Clarkson in ‘one-eyed Scottish idiot’ gaffe

It may be wintry chaos outside – with road salt now more expensive per kilo than the finest cocaine and the 59.674% of the population who didn’t manage to remember to buy a team of huskies so they could get their children to school are currently building snow effigies of Carol Thatcher specifically for stray dogs to urinate on – but I’m safe and warm inside Shark Manor, with a roaring log fire kindled with worthless Woolworths shares, a decanter of mulled Buckfast tonic wine, a roasted suckling pig with a kebab in its mouth and my feet propped up on a welfare mum who’s on Invalidity Benefit.

Yes, let the cold winds of economic hardship blow!

Unfortunately, however much I try to insulate myself from the colder winds of public opinion and journalistic arsewater they still manage to cut through…

Yes, it’s ‘How the blistering fuck does the Daily Mail manage to be such a sack of shit?’ time once again and it’s brought to you today by the letters O, M, F and G, the number ∞, Paul Dacre, a significant number of the population who have all the humour and humanity of a sea slug and some motley group of fuckwitted Scottish politicians who should stick to talking about fucking Scotland and vote for an English Assembly when they next have the chance.

Predictably, the Daily Mail has come over all masturbatory after one of Jeremy Clarkson’s regular salvos of provocative remarks.

Whilst the Top Gear Live show has been in Australia he’s made a few comments that have both annoyed and delighted people.

More on this dichotomy later…

Meanwhile, here’s a selection of Jezza’s not so subtle quips:

‘It’s the first time I’ve ever seen a world leader admit we really are in deep shit.

‘He genuinely looked terrified. The poor man, he’s actually seen the books.

‘[In the UK] we’ve got this one-eyed Scottish idiot, he keeps telling us everything’s fine and he’s saved the world – and we know he’s lying, but he’s smooth at telling us.’

Clarkson dismissed cricket as a game invented by people who didn’t have enough to do, and revealed a secret crush on Aussie feminist Germaine Greer, who lives in London.

‘Germaine, she’s a good looking woman,’ he enthused.

He labelled Hammond a coward for quitting smoking, and blamed London’s recent snowfall on ‘too many green people in the world and they aren’t buying enough Range Rovers’.

When asked a serious question about the state of the Australian automotive industry, he admitted he didn’t care.

Strangely, the Mail failed to give us the full poop and so it’s now the Daily Star I’m quoting:

Clarkson promised the performances would be full of dangerous stunts. But, asked if he was concerned some of the stuntmen involved could come a cropper, he quipped:

“They’re French, so if they get killed it’s not the end of the world.”

The 48-year-old star also slated local Aussies as “apes”…and even had a go at his show colleague James May.

He said he had been amazed as he watched his audience arrive at a Sydney studio, declaring: “You should see some of the apes that turn up.”

May, the third member of the BBC2 team, has stayed at home. And that gave Clarkson the chance to stick the boot in. He said: “He isn’t gay. He’s just a bachelor who is 44 years old.”

When asked about Top Gear’s climate concerns, he ranted: “We don’t have a carbon footprint.

“That’s because we drive everywhere.”

So, let’s see, who’s he had a swipe at?

  • Scotsmen
  • People with less than the optimum number of eyes
  • Idiots
  • One-eyed Scottish idiots
  • Gordon Brown
  • Cricket fans
  • Germaine Greer fans
  • Australian Top Gear fans
  • Australian car makers
  • James May
  • James May fans
  • Richard Hammond
  • The anti-smoking brigade
  • The French
  • Environmentalists

Now, I make no bones about it, I’m a big Jezza fan, but I take very little of what he says seriously. Yes, I’m sure he loves cars and driving, but he’s primarily a journalist who has now become an entertainer and Top Gear is as much a show about real life motoring as the Jeremy Kyle show is about serious sociological debate.

Looking towards Big Jezza for serious, informed comment is like turning on a WWE bout and expecting to see sport.

He’s winding people up – that’s all, pure and simple.

It’s entertainment!

Sure, he has little time for certain elements in the environmentalist movement and he dislikes state nannying but when he does have genuine concerns about these he argues logically and, for me, sometimes persuasively.

Earlier, I said that the Mail was being masturbatory.

Why?

Well, if it had been Jonathan Ross, Russell Brand or his sister Jo who’d come out with the above remarks then there would have been outrage, but no…the Mail seems quite happy with it all. And as for the readers comments…

Jeremy, you have just skyrocketed in my estimation !

Graham, Bradford, 6/2/2009 8:11

I couldn’t agree more. That’s what like about Jeremy; he really has inspired me to be more outspoken about the climate change lie and idiot politcians who are destroying the middle classes. Jeremy should be knighted Sir Jeremy!!!
Kris, Fife, 6/2/2009 8:21

Thanks Jeremy for saying what most people in the UK think but many are gutless to say. As one other commentator has said you forgot to add the word UNELECTED !!

Blueeyes, Askim, Sweden, 6/2/2009 8:32

Just three comments amongst dozens that praise Clarkson.

So, we have the story itself – written without a hint of censure – along with the readers and their comments all engaged in a cozy Mail clusterwank once again. Everyone’s happy having their prejudices reinforced and goes away with a damp crotch and a warm feeling of belonging.

The fact that your sense of belonging concerns a group of people with all the tolerance and charity of a cat turd is neither here nor there…

Is there not a hint of irony in all this, that one week Clarkson can be portrayed as a violent bully – see my Hislop pen stabbing blog entries here, here and here – and practically the next he can be seen as the spokesman of the nation?

Even politicians got into the act as they foraged around for sloppy seconds amongst the tissues of half truths, biased reporting and blind prejudice left behind after the Mail and its readership climaxed together.

Scottish Labour leader Iain Gray said: ‘Such a comment is really a reflection on Jeremy Clarkson and speaks for itself.

‘Most people here are proud that the Prime Minister is a Scot and believe him to be the right person to get the UK through this global economic crisis.’

Gordon Banks, Labour MP for Ochil and South Perthshire, branded the comments ‘unforgivable’.

There’s your dichotomy then – the Daily Mail and its readership for Clarkson and Scottish politicians against him.

(Highly-paid BBC celebrity actually supported by anti-BBC rag and its readership! Surely shome mishtake?)

However, both views are united by a single and fatal flaw.

They both take Clarkson seriously.

And anyone who does that should not expect to be taken seriously themselves…

UPDATE: As you may have seen when you clicked on the first link, Clarkson has now apologised to Brown:

‘In the heat of the moment I made a remark about the Prime Minister’s personal appearance for which, upon reflection, I apologise.’

The corporation only added: ‘We note that Jeremy has issued an apology for the personal remarks he made about the Prime Minister.’

Of course, it’s now got the Mail frothing about ‘one rule for Ross and one rule for Clarkson’, as you’d expect.

Even the RNIB has piled in now.

Some days, you just can’t fucking win, can you?

My turd Clarkson/Hislop entry

Fuck.

Me.

I’m stunned…

I thought the Mail had gone completely over the top with regard to the Clarkson/Hislop pen throwing incident.

It never occurred to me that there was another newspaper which could make the incident sound worse.

And no other sleazy redtop with so little journalistic integrity could be found on the shelves of the newsagents of this green and pleasant land.

I was wrong…

I’m still convinced that the Daily Mail is such a poisonous rag that if you wiped your arse with it you’d end up with an infected rectum but for today the Star has really shown itself to be more shit than…well, the biggest cargo ship in the world crammed to the gunwhales with shit then loaded with 2000 tons of extra shit.

It also appears not to like Ian Hislop (hate figure?) – not, I imagine, that he gives a flying fuck.

Here’s what the story says, in all its overblown and inaccurate glory:

CLARKSON DECKS HISLOP

TOP Gear star Jeremy Clarkson has been hailed a hero after a bloody TV bust up with hate figure Ian Hislop.

The controversial petrol head won new fans when he wounded the smug Have I Got News For You? team captain.

Best-selling author Jeremy, 48, threw a strop while hosting the BBC show after the smarmy star accused him of not writing his own work.

He flew into a rage and chucked a pen at Hislop – who also edits Private Eye – catching him in the neck and apparently drawing blood.

An audience member said: “Jeremy was not impressed by the comments and flung the pen at Ian.

“He appeared to be bleeding and seemed stunned by the attack.

“It was just a bit of fun but it was great to see Ian on the receiving end for a change.

“Viewers are used to him sitting there making snide digs at everyone, so it was funny to see him finally getting his comeuppance.”

Hislop, 48, refused to back down. He held on to the pen and snapped back at Clarkson: “I’ll keep this as you obviously have no use for it then.”

Clarkson had lost his rag after being accused of using ghost writers for his news-paper columns.


From the headline you know you’re in for a real treat and then it just piles on exaggeration after exaggeration and then some extra exaggeration just for the sheer hell of it.

You know, it’s like watching someone construct a detailed model of the Andromeda Galaxy out of a pile of dog excrement.

It’s something no-one’s ever attempted before and it’s undeniably skilful in some sick and tortured way, elaborate to the point of being Baroque with added Gothic flying buttresses, Doric capitals and Ormolu mounts but, after all is said and done, it’s still just some dog shit.

Fascinating – that someone can actually write such stuff and get paid for it and that people actually buy the paper to read such crap.

I’ve often wondered what the opposite of polishing a turd is and I think the Star has finally provided me with a suitable expression.

Sandpapering a turd…