Morecambe and Wise cloned!

Those people who scoffed at the ‘science’ in the Jurassic Park films may now be forced to consume humble pie because the cloning procedure has now been refined to such an extent that scientists working in a top secret facility in Penge have produced the clones of famous comedians Morecambe and Wise!

New Scientist has just published this brief summary of the procedure:

Professor Mike Hunt told us, “A breakthrough in the study of mitotic cellular integrity by Herr Pizz in the University of Stuttgart has enabled us to extract mitochondrial DNA from household debris which, as everyone knows, contains particles of human skin. Using Radon fluorescence and protein synthesis we arrived at a procedure¬† whereby CGI models of the subjects were used to ‘gene sculpt’ replicas of the original genes until whole DNA strands were produced and then the resulting protoplasmic mass was grown on in vitro. The whole process takes about 6 months and is almost 100% faithful to the original subject although our first attempt was less successful than we’d have wished.”


(L РErnie Wise,  R РEric Morecambe)

Mike continued, “As you can see, the outward appearance of the first clones is pretty accurate – with Ernie being suitably short and fat and Eric with his trademark glasses and slightly crazed look – but I’m afraid they’re not very amusing, with almost zero sense of humour. The IQ of the pair is well off the scale too, in a downwards direction I’m sorry to say, with a joint score of about 80 which means that they can function on about the level of something like a slug – but that’s on a good day”

“One trait which they seem to share – that didn’t affect the original pair – is that they seem to like slinging excrement around. Even when they haven’t got the real thing they just go through the motions, as it were, and throw imaginary faeces. Quite bizarre…”

“To be honest, I don’t really know what we can do with them – release into the wild seems a bit unfair on the public, whilst a trip to the vet to put them out of their misery seems a bit harsh. We’ve even had a call from the Beaufort Hunt but I couldn’t really understand why they mentioned fox costumes. However, we understand that there’ll soon be a home for these poor unfortunates set up by someone who’s a bit of a comedian himself and soon to retire. He’s called Gordon Brown and he used to be a fan of these two, although – speaking personally – I can’t really see the attraction.”

“Our next project is going to be Russ Abbot.¬† A bit of a challenge as Russ was never that funny to start with. We’ll have to see if we can splice a humour gene in somehow. Accommodating this one in the lab might be a problem, however, as we reckon he might need three cages.”

Russ Abbot

So, exciting times in genetic research!