If you have Blears, prepare to shed her now…

The daily writhings, wranglings, backstabbings and calamities of our government are starting to resemble some sort of low rent political version of ‘Dallas’.

Even more so this weekend with pronouncements from its very own ‘Poison Dwarf’, Hazel Blears.

I have little time for the woman with her faux-cheeky Northern lassie image backed up with all the flair and acumen of a dead whippet.

I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her – but I wouldn’t pass up the chance to prove myself wrong if a deep nettle patch was handy.

Basically, she’s taken a pop at Gordon Brown:

Labour ministers have a collective responsibility for the government’s lamentable failure to get our message across

(Of which she is one.)

Of course, she’s since denied that this was any sort of attack on Gordon Brown’s recent and deeply disturbing You Tube appearence, saying:

Any suggestion that I intended what I wrote as criticism of him or his leadership is completely wrong.

I fully support the collective decisions we take as a government.

Now Prescott and Johnson have waded in to limit the damage, although it’s hard to imagine who’d find what they say convincing.

Nu Labour doesn’t just look sick, it looks terminallly ill.

The fucked-up Daily Mail and Sachsgate – the stench lingers on

Even by its own lamentable standards the Mail has made a bit of a twat of itself today.

Yes, it’s the Ross/Brand circus all over again after the news that OFCOM has fined the BBC £150 000 – that’s about one MP’s expenses for those wanting a quick currency conversion.

Make Ross pay: As BBC is fined record £150,000 over sick stunt, MPs demand £6m-a-year star and Russell Brand foot bill

Two points worth raising here.

MPs?

Well, only just…as one Lib Dem Don Foster (who he?) chips in (they’ve always got something to say about everything, haven’t they?) and Labour’s Gerald Kaufman is prised out of cryogenic storage to speak his brains – file between fish fingers and hash browns.

So, yes, that’s certainly MPs in the plural but hardly the swell of parliamentary opinion that the headline infers.

The other point concerns the woman in this affair – Sach’s granddaughter.

Interesting choice of photograph of her the Mail has made for this ‘story’…stockings, suspenders, etc.

So, whilst the comments column below is full of a bukkake-like outspewing of moral froth and puritanical self-righteousness the actual story is illustrated with a picture whose only purpose seems to be to titillate the readership.

Weren’t there any photographs of Ms Baillie in slightly more clothes?

And where does that place the Mail in its attempts to lay claim to any moral high ground in this whole affair?

It portrays Ms Baillie as the injured party yet shows her in her underwear in a pose clearly intended to be provocative.

It’s confused and confusing to say the least and takes me into places I’d rather not go with regard to the twisted psyches of some Mail readers – not to mention their journalistic pimps.

One last thing…

Hazel ‘eee I’m just a simple Northern lass wi’ me flatcap on me head and a whippet in my briefs’ Blears appeared on the BBC’s Question Time program last week and also joined in the Ross/Brand debate saying that they should pay the fine, so that’s one MP the Mail missed, bringing the number of MPs actually calling for this to happen to a grand total of 3:

The BBC is funded by all of us as licence-payers, so actually, are we having to pay the fine?  Then I thought maybe Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand should pay it… that might be quite a good idea.

However, I’m sure that Hazel ‘eee I’ve gone upmarket and now I keep me coal in the bath at me second home and pass me some more whippet and black pudding flavour crisps’ Blears has something slightly more pressing to think about right now.

A maths question

Er…

If we hope to raise £70 million by putting a £50 surcharge on visas then that means we are expecting 1 400 000 non-EU citizens to enter the UK over the next two years.

This would appear to be roughly 10 times the usual number.

Can this be right?

I’m baffled.

Yet another government initiative…

It’s becoming a bit of a struggle to contain my anger at each new government initiative to get on top of the many problems this country faces.

Each new idea seems more futile, more wasteful and more desperate than the one before it and just digs this country deeper and deeper into a hole of frightening proportions.

Today, the spotlight’s on immigrants to the UK, who face a £50 surcharge on their visas.

This should net £70 million over two years, which is akin to attaching a severed leg with an Elastoplast.

Hazel ‘I’m just a simple Northern lass wi’ me whippet in the bath and me scrag end in me Gucci shopping bag’ Blears made me laugh when she said that the existing infrastructure of schools and hospitals had been well-funded by the government since 2001 – inferring that the new money was being pumped into a healthy system anyway.

Sorry, Haze, but in the light of many recent reports and public inquiries these institutions are totally fucked in spite of the billions spent on them and then wasted in a smokescreen of  poor leadership, focus groups, target setting, tick boxes, spin and IT catastrophes.

You can throw £70 million at them to help compensate for an increasing immigrant population but it’s going to do absolutely no good at all.

You might as well give the dosh to Sir Fred Goodwin – at least some of it wouldn’t be wasted when it leaked back into the economy…

Prison buggery and open source software

So Lord Ahmed is now slopping out and trying to avoid the common incarceration game of ‘hide the salami’ – although as that’s a pork comestible I doubt that will be served up to his Conship somehow…

That’s not a very PC thing to say, I know, but hey – Hazel Blears wants us all to be LESS PC!

Hoorah!

But back to the texting peer.

Lord Ahmed’s solicitor, Steve Smith, said he thought his client had been used as a “scapegoat” by those attempting to drive home the message about not using a mobile phone while at the wheel.

Bollocks.

The stupid fuck shouldn’t have been using a mobile at the wheel.

Just suck it up, twat.

All you really need to worry about is that when you get out of stir you can’t fit your Roller up your arsehole…

What else?

Another plane crash that turned out to have a better outcome than expected and Jack Straw’s email account has been used for Nigerian scamming.

Oh yes, Tom Watson MP, minister for digital engagement (!) says that government departments often pay too much for proprietary software that isn’t always any good – join the fucking club…so the government is backing open source software.

It makes you wonder how it took them so long to realise that a lot of this stuff is better than the usual M$oft crap. Then again, I suspect that there are those who advise them who have a vested interest in recommending a certain piece of software…

Anything else?

Not really.

A tale of 3 women

Labour seems to have gone to ratshit very quickly in a couple of days and I can’t say much of it gives me any hope whatsoever for the future…

There’s Jacqui Smith about to be asked to justify her expenses claim on her homes – I’m not too upset about that.

“I’m grinning like a shithouse rat because I’ve just trousered £116,000 of your money”

I don’t like her.

Strident and earnest with glottal stop issues.

She’s completely shit at her job and if she wasn’t in politics fuck knows what she’d be good for.

But that’s as good as it gets.

It’s all downhill into shitcreek – no paddles provided – from now on.

You are HERE

Hazel Blears has spoken up – loudly it would seem as no-one could surely see ‘Midget Woman, Champion of the People, my Dad were a real member of the working class and so am I and by the way, do you think my rictus looks like a cheeky grin?’ even if she stuck her hand up and jumped up in the air with the aid of a fucking jet-powered pogo stick.

“Eee…I wish I were wearing me clogs like the simple working class girl I like people to think I am…”

She has told the Cabinet to ‘get a grip’.

It’s about fucking time they did.

Which leads us on to the reason for the Poison Dwarf’s appeal…

…Harriet Fucking Harman – who does or doesn’t (depending on what you read) fancy her chances at an attempt for the Leadership.

“Life’s so peachy when your job is the biggest sinecure in British politics”

Now, that would be a fucking good reason to emigrate if she did.

Fucking hard-faced, two-faced, snooty, condescending bitch.

I’ve never been able to look at her on TV without feeling like shouting at the smug hypocritical cow.

If she ends up leading the Labour Party and the country, we’re all royally fucked if we aren’t already.

So, sorry about that – no satire, no wit, no insight, no reasoned argument – just a disorganised stream of random abuse at three rather unpleasant boils on the backside of the British people.

However, I’ve tried to dig up some unflattering photos of these three apologies for human beings, so you can’t say I haven’t tried…

Also I’ve inserted some captions in a vain attempt to brighten up the gloom I’ve brought upon myself with this entry.