A plea on the 5th of November

In these troubling times, it’s a comfort to know that our esteemed Prime Minister is keeping in touch with popular culture.

I mean, never mind the fact that we’re fighting a war in Afghanistan that we can never win, facing a level of national debt unprecedented in our country’s history, seeing our essential freedoms eroded on a daily basis, paying for one ill-conceived government initiative after another, living in thrall to a series of  reforms designed to give everyone ‘rights’ apart from those paying for them to be implemented and encouraging a culture based on ignorance, sloth and lack of responsibility.

No, Gordon still finds time to watch the X-Factor whilst the country falls apart like a leper in a jacuzzi.

On this day, of all days, I feel compelled to ask,

When is this cunt going to be put out of our misery?

It can’t come fucking quick enough.

Not so fast with that noose!

At times over the last few months it’s been difficult to peer through the sickly red mist that’s descended whenever I’ve read something about the incredible cupidity of our troughing MPs.

Wank films, duck houses, moat-cleaning, plasma TVs, etc, etc – we’ve been steadily bombarded with details of these and many other items that we, the taxpayers, have paid for.

Now, it seems to be payback time, although when you hear about someone like Jacqui Smith you begin to wonder how seriously widespread public anger and unrest are being taken.

So does Sir Thomas Legg who heads up the team auditing MPs’ expenses claims and clawing back overpayments and the like.

Well done, Sir Thomas!

But is it?

Playing devil’s advocate here, is this statement from Legg really how we want rules and regulations – not to mention laws – applied in a just and fair society?

…Sir Thomas said that he could find nothing in the existing rules setting out the maximum allowable for other large expenses, including cleaning and gardening. Therefore, he believed that limits must be imposed retrospectively.

“Some limits must be regarded as having been in place to prevent disproportionate and unnecessary expenditure from the public purse,” he said.

What do we stand to gain from more – retrospective payments obtained from rewritten and reinterpreted regulations to satisfy a public hunger for revenge or a total revamping of the conditions under which MPs represent the people who vote them into their jobs?

Yes, they took the piss – and I’ve been as vociferous as most people in my condemnation of their greed and corruption – but do we really want to employ a mechanism whereby people can be retrospectively held to account for their misdemeanours after the rules have been changed?

I sure as fuck don’t.

Punish the cunts to the fullest extent of the law and claw back every fucking red cent from the felching shitweasels but then press for Parliament for legislation to ensure full accountability of MPs in all aspects of their job.

It’s the only way to avoid this happening again a few years down the line – if our rewritten laws will allow us to do anything about it by then…

The alternative just opens up possibilities that hardly bear thinking about.

Yesterday’s Trafigura/Carter Ruck/Guardian debacle showed how the application of laws can be hidden from scrutiny – do we really want our laws to be arbitrarily changed as well?

That ‘fin de siecle’ feeling?

Bring a bottle – Dress optional – RSVP

Is it just me, or does anyone else think that today has a sort of ‘fin de siècle’ feeling about it?

I think it’s all to do with the Labour Conference and what really puts the tin lid on it was Brown’s increasingly annoyed mood yesterday as he gave interviews to various reporters who didn’t ask him the questions that he’d prepared the answers for.

They took Brown right off the script and left him floundering and regurgitating the same old empty messages of hope to a severely pissed-off TV audience.

In the end, Brown had just had enough and finally stomped away from the interview area after giving Sky News’ Adam Boulton not just a look which could kill, but a look which was guaranteed to visit all the agonies of Purgatory on you and every cunt else you know with vaguely similar DNA, before letting you all die a very slow and lingering death at the hands of the bastard feral offspring of Heinrich Himmler and Elizabeth Bathory.

What Brown wanted to talk about, of course, was Labour’s ‘new’ plans for after the next election but what he got asked about was the Sun’s withdrawal of support and his fitness to be leader of his party.

I can’t recall a UK Prime Minister ever reacting to an interviewer quite like Brown did to Boulton.

Yes, Prescott actually lamped an egg-thrower and Michael Howard stormed out of a Paxman interview but they weren’t Prime Ministers.

What Brown did was totally unique as far as I know and a sign, surely, that just as much as we’re totally fucked off with him, so he is with the current situation.

Not a happy camper.

(And I suppose, to be fair, if you’ve pissed of the Sun then you might as well piss off Sky News as well.)

Hence my ‘fin de siècle’ mood.

Brown is a dead man walking, this government is out sometime next year and the Labour Party itself may never recover from what is going to be a humiliating defeat.

Not that it’s good times ahead.

No, a true ‘fin de siècle’ mood isn’t one of hope after degeneracy, but rather a sort of euphoric feeling about what lies ahead even though you have no idea what it’s going to be like.

The best way I can describe it is by comparing it to weightlessness, but a weightlessness of the mind – a sort of cerebral free fall into the future.

We’ll have a Tory government sometime in 2010, and perhaps next week at the Tory Conference – and it’ll be about fucking time too – some idea of what Cameron and his merry band of Bullingdon boys are going to do to make this country a bit less fucked up than it’s been for the last 12 years.

I’m not expecting any magic wands to be waved – certainly there’s no fucking money left to do anything positive with so to get some money eventually it’s going to have to be negativity in the form of cuts. I really can’t see any alternative.

Who the fuck knows?

Maybe we should take a little advice from His Purpleness and, until next week at least, maybe party down – perhaps not like it’s 1999 but certainly as if it’s a small turning point in our history and our lives.

At this point I’d have added a link to a YouTube video of Mr Squiggle singing 1999 but the little fucker won’t allow his videos on there so this’ll have to do instead.

Not exactly a hardship though…

How to get fucked in Brighton

‘Maggie. I really am fucked this time, aren’t I?’

‘Just wave, you cunt.’

Well, it’s the day after the Labour Conference’s ‘Big Day’ – Gordon’s speech – and the aftermath looks like the political equivalent of a Trident nuclear missile scoring a direct hit on a sewage farm.

There’s SHIT everywhere.

Of course, Labour stalwarts are saying that there’s a renewed fire in their bellies and that a Labour defeat isn’t inevitable next year, but the consensus of opinion seems to contradict that rather limp prediction.

Simply put, Brown is just 12 years too late.

If New Labour had actually tackled the problems he outlines when they came to power, and which were all there in one form or another back in 1997 – had anyone had the nouse to actually look at the possible impact of lack of fiscal restraint and removal of self-responsibility – then we might be looking at a fourth Labour term.

However, yesterday’s speech was a predictable mixture of populist proposals – hostels for teenage mothers – climbdowns – no compulsory ID cards – and public spending recklessness – family intervention initiatives.

In other words, the mixture as before – kneejerk reactions to public concerns backed up by hasty planning and with no regard for efficacy or cost.

And now, even the Sun doesn’t like Labour.

Labour really are fucked.

More fucked than a fucker being fucked by some other fuckers during a fucking fuck fest.

The mole, the MoD and the maggot

Need a piss?…get in the fucking queue…

Being a cynical cunt sort of chap I’ve never thought that the Daily Telegraph was motivated by anything other than the prospect of boosting its circulation figures when it broke and covered the story of MPs’ expenses earlier this year.

But the paper’s cluster wanking isn’t over yet.

No, the journalistic jizz lobbers are still flinging it about.

There’s a new book published today by the journalists who helped to break the story and Andrew Pierce – the Telegraph’s assistant editor – has been out doing interviews and whetting the public’s appetite for this tome with an insight into where the whole series of revelations began – the original source…

The mole in the Ministry.

(You really can’t make this shit up, can you?)

According to the Telegraph:

The mole who leaked details of MPs’ expenses says he was partly motivated by anger at inadequate equipment for UK troops, the Daily Telegraph reported.

It says staff sorting through MPs’ receipts were guarded by servicemen on leave moonlighting to earn extra money.

The mole said their stories “helped tip the balance” in the decision to leak details – the Telegraph has confirmed it paid £110,000 for the information.

So, we have a group of civil servants working on the redaction of MPs’ expenses claims who hear their guards’ stories, contrast these with the outlandish claims for things like duck houses and moat cleaning and then one of them feels such outrage that he decides to make the whole thing public.

As Pierce says:

…servicemen had overheard staff working on MPs’ receipts: “As civil servants were redacting, or censoring, or covering up, or Tippexing out up the difficult details, they were exclaiming out loud to each other… ‘Oh my god, can you see what they’ve claimed for?'”

Fair enough, but that £110 000 niggles a bit.

So, this shitweasel Pierce has to dress it up a little by calling the payment of a considerable sum of money, in return for possibly the biggest scoop of the present century, an ‘insurance’ policy.

(He) told the BBC the payment to the source of the leak was an “insurance policy” for the mole, as that person would lose their job if the government discovered their identity. He also said it was “cheap at the price” as MPs had already repaid hundreds of thousands of pounds.

He said: “We paid £110,000 to the source. And let me just say, so far the taxpayer has been reimbursed by MPs £500,000, and there will be more; we have got a much better Commons as a result of it.”

As I said above, I’m a cynical sort and whilst I don’t question the right of the mole to feel outrage, leak the information and then cover his own pinstriped arse financially, it’s just as much chequebook journalism as Jordan’s gynaecologist getting paid by the News of the World for revealing what sort of furniture and decor she has up her lady crack.

Pierce then goes on to try and make the £110K sound insignificant by contrasting it with the paltry £500 000 the MPs have paid back so far.

Then he completely fucking loses it and tells us we have a better Commons.

We do?

Well, I didn’t fucking notice it.

When the cunting fuck did that happen?

I’m not saying that the Telegraph didn’t ultimately do us all a favour by exposing the MPs’ troughing, but the way that Pierce talks, you’d think his paper did it out of some sense of altruism.

Increased circulation figures…higher advertising revenues…money, cash, dosh, moolah, readies, folding.

That’s all the Telegraph as a player in the MSM fucking cares about.

And as for that cash-in book…Constantly Furious expresses my opinions precisely.

But the story doesn’t end here.

The other ‘interested parties’ get to have their say.

The MoD itself:

Sources at the Ministry of Defence (MoD) have cast doubt on whether serving soldiers would be allowed, or have the time, to moonlight as security guards. But Mr Pierce said the newspaper had “clear evidence” some were doing extra work to buy equipment.

Then:

The MoD says its top priority is to get the “best equipment” for troops.

OK, maybe the MoD are right (who knows? It could happen) and servicemen haven’t been moonlighting to buy extra vital equipment, but it’s a fact that servicemen have had to buy their own equipment due to a combination of MoD inefficiency, negligence and downright incompetence.

Of course, our dear Prime Minister Gordon Brown now gets a chance to answer questions about this affair.

Asked on Sky News if he understood the motivation for the expenses leak, Prime Minister Gordon Brown said: “I don’t think so.”

What the fuck?

Firm, decisive, unequivocal, isn’t he?

Er…no.

He added: “MPs have got to live in two places at once – that is a big problem.

Yes, Gordon, it’s a big problem because those of us who pay tax have to pay for these useless troughers’ two homes and we’re fucking sick of being used like some sort of cash cow for the cunts to repeatedly yank at our money teats and cash udders.

“As far as the troops in Afghanistan are concerned, right throughout the period I have been chancellor and then prime minister, I have been determined to make sure that the troops that are serving our country are properly paid, that we make proper allowance for them, that we give them the best equipment, that we help them in every way possible.”

Which is just – and there’s really no other way to put this – a total fucking lie.

Then the MoD gets in on the act again.

The MoD said: “Since 2006, we have delivered equipment valued at more than £10bn to the armed forces. “Every soldier who deploys to Afghanistan receives Osprey body armour and a Mark 6a helmet.

“They also receive a black bag containing all their operational requirements. Valued at £3,500, it contains everything a soldier will need from boots and socks to camel backs.”

Camel backs…how appropriate…anyone got a fucking straw?

And black bags?

No shortage of those leaving Afghanistan, is there?

So, what do we have at the end of this rather tawdry and sordid bout of mutual masturbation by the Telegraph, the MoD and Gordon Brown?

Looks like everyone’s a winner at first glance…

• The Telegraph maintains its image of crusading MSM seeker after truth and justice.
• The mole trousers £110 000 and gets to keep his no doubt grossly-distended salary and his taxpayer-subsidised, inflation-proof, final salary pension.
• The authors of the new book will probably sell shitloads rehashing old news – although we can always hope for their books to appear in the remainder bin in some discount book shop sometime next January.
• The MoD gets to trot out its lies and false reassurances that our troops are properly equipped and again remains unchallenged.
• Gordon Brown gets to wriggle off the hook again like the lying and dysfunctional fucking maggot that he is.

Yes, everyone manages to emerge from this stinking pile of shit smelling like fucking roses.

Everyone except the troops and the British public, that is…

‘They‘ still don’t get it, do they?

The cunts.

The utter fucking cunts.

Another day on Airstrip One…

Or

Cuts, bans, legislation, taxes, guitars and football.

This blog entry’s a bit of a pot-pourri but a lot has happened – albeit in a very random way.

I’ve had a day being gently buffeted like a falling autumnal leaf* by the wind of news – so, a touch of the streams of (semi)consciousnesses…

Jeremy Vine drops one

I was driving home early from work – a series of fortunate circumstances had enabled me to leave at midday and still be able to bill for the afternoon – and Jeremy Vine was on the radio.

I can’t stand the blokes’s voice. He sounds like Mystic Meg with a cock and balls with the way he stretches his words out. He also tries to sound sincere but just comes over sounding like a total cunt trumpet.

Anyway, he was waffling on about what was in the news and said that Gordon Brown planned to ‘drop one Trident missile’.

As you can imagine, my ears pricked up at this and I was thinking what the likely target might be.

The Afghan poppy fields?

The LibDem Conference?

Neither of these, however – Vine corrected himself and moved on – Brown wasn’t actually going to drop a missile.

Ha ha.

(Could he do any more fucking damage if he did?)

Just a shame that Vine didn’t correct himself properly – Brown’s going to drop a whole fucking Trident submarine. One of four that we have.

We have a spare one apparently – presumably in case things get really bad here and then Brown can escape to Brazil.

He hasn’t thought this through very well, has he?

James Brown Lady Scotland (Take it to the bridge! – Ed)

Where do you start with this story?

Lady Scotland is to keep her job as attorney general despite likening her £5,000 fine for employing an illegal immigrant as her housekeeper to a civil penalty similar to a congestion charge fine.

Gordon Brown, who believes Scotland made a “foolish mistake”, told the attorney general her job was safe after the cabinet secretary ruled she had made a minor administrative error that did not breach the ministerial code.

This isn’t some minor legal minion or even an alcoholic drink-driving judge.

This is the chief legal advisor to the government and the individual who actually introduced the law that she fucking broke.

She didn’t even get fined the full £10 000 she could have been.

She paid half.

Indeed, as Jackart points out, the illegal that Lady S employed should perhaps have a few sympathetic thoughts wafted her way:

She wanted to work, and indeed pay tax. Which makes Loloahi Tapui a more valuable citizen than 15% of the native-born population who sit on their fat arses watching Jeremy Kyle and reading the Sun (those who can actually read), and who don’t get their doors kicked in by uniformed thugs in the pay of the state, which instead subsidises their idleness through a complex smorgasbord of 51 different benefits which ensure that no-one born in the UK has to work if they don’t want to, and indeed get punished with marginal withdrawal rates of 90% should they even try.

Lady Scotland – another useless trougher – £170 000 better off thanks to your generosity…and now a major fuck up.

And still fucking troughing.

What the blistering FUCK do you have to do to get Brown to sack you?

Even worse than the BSOD

I blogged about this a while ago.

And now – as sure as shit is smelly brown stuff – we’re all going to be forced to pay 50p a month to ensure that everyone here has broadband internet access.

OK, 50p isn’t much, but it means that I’m now compelled to pay £6 a year towards giving other people internet access.

And it’s my £6.

I already pay tax on what I earn, tax on my own internet access and now I’m going to be helping to pay for millions of other people to get it.

Schools? – fine…hospitals? – go on, help yourselves!…the Police?…have another rummage in my wallet…

Broadband? – fuck all the way off. It’s a luxury.

End of.

Keep this stupid shit in Usania where it belongs

Bans.

Usually a bad thing, but I’m not too upset about this one.

Of course, if you’re stupid enough to believe in this cockwaffle, then maybe you deserve to die after preferring some sort of quack religious remedy to conventional medicine but, on balance, if it’s a minor who’s going to be placed in danger, after being anointed with ‘holy’ snake oil, then perhaps the fewer people who know about it the better.

File under – ‘It isn’t just Muslims who do stupid shit in the name of religion’.

Janie Hendrix – she’d sell Jimi’s grave dirt if she thought there was a buck in it for her

It’s not usually very socially acceptable to piss on someone’s grave.

But when it’s your own family who do it then it’s always going to be a major gaffe…

The adopted step daughter of the late Jimi Hendrix’s late father, Janie Hendrix, has launched a new guitar in association with Gibson that claims to be part of Experience Hendrix’ ongoing efforts to keep

Jimi’s legacy alive and intact and bring it to you in the most authentic form.

Which is a great big steaming pile of horse shit.

Here’s Jimi in action:

The guitar he’s using and the one that he’s most associated with is a Fender Stratocaster.

Fender.

F E N D E R

This is what Janie Hendrix (fucking spit) has decided is ‘authentic’.

Yes, it’s ‘authentic’ because it looks exactly like a cunting Strat!

Of course it’s all about money. Janie Hendrix sold poor dead Jimi’s memory out years ago, but now she really is taking the piss with this one and I hope Fender sue her right into the fucking poor house where she belongs along with Gibson, who seem to like a bit of litigation – but only when they’re dishing it out.

Come on, you mercenary she-vulture, you’ve made your money out of the recordings – fair enough – and out of shit like this:

Leave the poor dead fucker alone and make a few less million by not fucking about with his legacy – especially when it concerns the one thing that really typifies the guy.

His guitar.

If you want to buy something that keeps his legacy alive then buy a Fender Strat or even a Squier Strat – Janie won’t get a fucking penny from that and it’ll be far more authentic than that abortion Gibson and Janie have cooked up.

You’d be fucking smiling if you were him.

I’m not a football fan.

It bores me right off my fucking tits.

Sometimes it really fucking annoys me – especially when I read stuff like this.

“Sol regrettably suffered a reality check when he played for Notts County, and there has always been a concern about his fragile psychological state.”

I’d have thought that the £40 000 cheque he got for doing fuck all every week was real enough.

My heart fucking bleeds for him.

After all that, I have to select the recipient of today’s Two Minute Hate.

It has to be Janie Hendrix…

Of course, other people may differ but it’s my fucking blog.

Pip Pip!

*See, I do have a sensitive side.

Gordon Brown – he has dogs but he’s still barking

Gordon Brown – he’s a fucking useless cunt

This beleagured country gets more like some pre-glaznost Iron Curtain client state by the fucking minute.

First of all, an outgoing Foreign Office minister Lord Malloch-Brown says there aren’t enough helicoptors in Afghanistan

Today Lord Malloch-Brown, a former deputy secretary general of the UN who is due to leave the Government at the end of the week, appeared to confirm General Dannatt’s fears, saying: “We definitely don’t have enough helicopters.”

He told the Daily Telegraph. “When you have these modern operations and insurgent strikes what you need, above all else, is mobility.”

Then he does a complete volte face and says there are enough:

“It is important that I clarify the comments that are reported in today’s Daily Telegraph.

“On the issue of helicopters in Afghanistan, I was making the point – as the prime minister and commanders on the ground have also done – that while there are without doubt sufficient resources in place for current operations, we should always do what we can to make more available on the frontline.”

Meanwhile, our esteemed PM Gordon ‘Fuckwit’ Brown enters the fray and comments thusly:

“For the operation we are doing at the moment we have the helicopters that we need,” Mr Brown told a news conference.

This is yet another example of Brown’s control freakery and demonstrates that when it comes to listening to advice from those appointed and paid really bloody well to do so, Brown will do what Brown wants to do and he’ll force those who disagree with him to recant their questioning of his almighty omniscience.

It’s just like me calling in a plumber because I have a problem with my piping (oo-er) and then paying him for advice which I then subsequently ignore.

I mean, what is the motherfucking point?

Why not just crown Fucking Brown King and have done with it?

But what really got me was the sub-Orwellian way in which Brown described Malloch-Brown’s initial statement and subsequent retraction.

The PM said the minister had “corrected any misrepresentation” of his comments.

‘Misrepresentation’?

It seems pretty clear what Malloch-Brown said.

Let’s hear it again:

We definitely don’t have enough helicopters.

You really couldn’t be any fucking clearer than that.

And who exactly misrepresented what Malloch-Brown said?

The Telegraph interview leaves little room for doubt that Malloch-Brown was being very critical of the government:

“We definitely don’t have enough helicopters. When you have these modern operations and insurgent strikes what you need, above all else, is mobility.”

In a damaging admission, he also said that the public had not been properly warned by the Government over what was going on in Afghanistan. He took partial responsibility for this.

He said: “We didn’t do a good job a month ago of warning the British public that we and the Americans were going on the offensive in Helmand. This is a new operation; the whole purpose is to win control. These deaths have happened … after we chose to go on the offensive.”

Lord Malloch-Brown also suggested that the Taliban may have to contribute to a future Afghan government for there to be peace in the region.

It’s not as if he was praising proceedings and, in an unguarded moment,  just let a casual remark slip out that was ambiguous in some way, is it?

So, you can’t accuse the Tory MSM of spinning what a Labour government minister said.

I wonder what was said to Malloch-Brown by one of Brown’s lackeys.

Brown, of course, denies having a word in Malloch-Brown’s shell-like:

Mr Brown said he had not “personally talked to Lord Malloch Brown” before the statement was issued.

Malloch-Brown comes out of all this looking like a total limpdick – which he is.

So when are we going to get someone with some real bollocks standing up to that cuntjob at Number 10?

I’m not going to wrap this article up with any sort of snappy/clever/insightful conclusion.

All I’m going to say is that Gordon Brown is a fucking useless cunt.

Any shit-for-brains moron who thinks otherwise is requested – politely – to fuck off and stick their genitalia in a vat of boiling pus.

It’ll fucking hurt and it’ll also stop them reproducing.

Quote du jour – Gordon Brown

Our Gordon got a chance to grab some pity from the MSM today in the Guardian’s totally unbiased interview with him.

Amongst other things which brought a tear to my eye – apart from the hypocrisy, sycophancy and syrupy insights into his family life –  he came out with this:

“To be honest, you could walk away from all of this tomorrow.” (He often says “you” to distance himself from the intended “I”.)

I could comment, but I’ll leave that to the rather nifty Pantera:

Incidentally, one of my favourite METUHL tracks ever – and the late, great Dimebag plays a very fine solo indeed.

I had a dream…

…last night.

Perhaps someone would like to analyze it for me.

I’m standing apart from Gordon Brown and David Cameron outside a big old building.

Brown and Cameron start arguing.

Suddenly, Cameron takes a swing at Brown.

I dash over to Cameron, pull him away and shout, ‘Leave ‘im, Dave! E’s not worth it!’ – Eastenders stylee.

What does it mean?

Brown’s lifesaver?

Nails bitten to the quick?

Economy going down the pan?

Backbenchers getting a bit uppity?

Leadership issues?

Polls painting a gloomy picture?

Election failure looming?

12 years in opposition doesn’t appeal?

You need…

The Civil Contingencies Act!

Removes all known opposition!

Invoke it NOW and look forward to 5 more years of Labour mismanagement!

(Other desperate measures are available)