Rat(s) in mi kitchen

The Bosavi Giant Woolly Rat – it will pwn you…

Rats.

I hate the fucking things.

You know that red mist that can descend on you when you feel great wrath?

(KILL!

MUTILATE!

MURDER!

DESTROY!)

That’s what I get if I even think there’s a rat near me.

So far, this house has been virtually rat-free. We’ve had three of the bastards in about 25 years here.

The first one met its end via a sound twatting by a handy bit of gash timber when I found it in our basement.

Rat demise the second occurred when Mrs Shark chased it out of the garden and down the alley by the side of us. A well-aimed and frighteningly fatal kung-fu side kick delivered by Mrs Shark (she was taking kung-fu lessons at the time) sent the cunt to rodent heaven.

The third and final rat fatality here was accomplished with the help of one of the cats we had at the time. I was brought rushing to the garden by Mrs Shark calling out, ‘Owen’s cornered a big mouse!” I soon disabused her of that notion when I saw that the cat was in fact facing off against a rat. Mrs Shark and the cat flushed the motherfucker out of the shrubs in the border then I got a swift kick at it as it tried to climb the wall into next door’s garden. Once again, a kicking seemed to sort the situation out – I, too, had taken kung-fu lessons – and although I’m sure that it was never intended for this noble martial art to be used for pest control, it certainly came in handy for that task.

Which is all a preamble to this story in the news today.

A team of biologists and filmmakers from the BBC have found strange spiders, a rat the size of a cat and a frog with fangs co-habiting in a pristine giant volcano in the highlands of Papua New Guinea.

The animals were found in the ‘lost world” of the Mount Bosavi crater, an extinct volcano so remote and inaccessible that no humans live there. Instead, an amazing array of exotic fauna has thrived.

Among them is the Bosavi woolly rat, an over-sized – but vegetarian – rodent that measures almost 3 feet long and weighs in at 3.3lbs.

Fuck.

Me.

The BBC report on this discovery says that the creature

has no fear of humans

At nearly a meter long and the weight of a small dog, I’m not fucking surprised.

Not only is it a rat – it’s a cunting big one.

The team who discovered it call it the Bosavi Giant Woolly Rat.

Anyone with an iota of common sense would call it ‘Sir’

Yes, nature is wonderful, but sometimes maybe it’s a bit too wonderful…

I’m just glad it’s on the other side of the world in Papua New Guinea.

If it sets foot in this house, it’s fucking dead meat.

If it doesn’t kick my ass first…

To conclude. a totally appropriate and excellent song for your delectation…