Zippy for mayor!

The comments section in the online Daily Mail is often worth a chuckle.

Today has been no exception with the news that the UK is about to get its first BNP mayor.

The worst rated comment on the story reads as follows:

What a disgrace. People should not be allowed to vote for fascist parties. The UK is a democracy not a Nazi state.

– Rainbow, Hackney, 12/4/2011 13:30

I don’t think Rainbow quite gets this democracy stuff…

Hashtag abuse?

Arse Elektronika 2009

Never has it been so easy to complain or express your displeasure about anything as it is today.

Twitter, e-mail and web forms now mean that you don’t have to stir from your screen to pop a letter in the post box or even pick up the phone and talk to anyone.

At last, the public is empowered.

But is it?

Some facts and figures:

Jan Moir writes an article in the Daily Mail (circulation figures are about 2.2 million daily) which people find offensive, a Twitter hashtagging frenzy ensues and 22 000 people complain to the Press Complaints Commission.

Frankie Boyle makes a joke about the Queen on ‘Mock the Week’, 75 people complain (the viewing figures are about 5 000 000 a week) and then the BBC Trust clears the joke as it didn’t go ‘beyond audience expectations’ for the show.

In Jan Moir’s case, the outcome of the complaints has yet to be revealed, but if only Daily Mail readers complained I make that 1% of its readership who set the process in motion. Of course, that doesn’t include people who were offended by the online version of the story. So, the number of potential readers of the story could be considerably higher and thus the percentage of complainants even lower. Added to the PCC complaints, we even have formal allegations of a hate crime being committed although I can’t find any figures for such complaints to the Police. (Moreover, how many people would have been blissfully unaware of Moir’s article, had her name not been hashtagged to fuck?)

Frankie’s outrage percentage is even lower – just 0.0015% of viewers complained. In fact, the 75 people who complained did so about a repeat of MTW. The first time it was aired the number of complaints was 6 or 0.00012% of viewers.

Anyway, that’s ‘people power’, but I’d argue that ultimately it’s disempowering us.

Look how a few people managed – with the not inconsiderable help of the Daily Mail – to get Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand removed temporarily or permanently from the airwaves. The bandwagon jumpers then managed to hike the number of complaints to 38 000, many of whom freely admitted to not actually hearing Ross say ‘fuck’ on Brand’s late night radio show.

Then there’s the recent ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ ‘Paki’ row. 400 complaints so far – and interesting to note that use of what’s now known as the ‘P word’ garnered far fewer complaints than someone saying ‘fuck’ – although no viewer ever heard the word ‘Paki’ on ‘Strictly’ as it was said off-air.

A few years ago, most people, if offended by such things, would have pissed and moaned a bit and very few would have bothered to take it any further, but now they can.

A recent Daily Telegraph article on the Moir case has some interesting points about the whole subject of empowerment through the internet.

I spoke just now to a well-respected gay journalist whose own anti-Moir tweets have been RT’d all over the place. He did make one interesting point: “You wonder whether the question of free speech has crossed these people’s minds. Is this really a matter for the Press Complaints Commission?”

There’s a difference, I think, between social media users who employ every rhetorical weapon at their disposal to hit back at Moir, and those who want to stop views like hers being expressed in future.

I’m all in favour of criticising Moir for her spite, and especially the twisted leap of imagination that took her from Stephen Gately’s dead body to an argument about the nature of civil partnerships. Not only is that criticism fair, but it has worked: Moir’s reputation is in tatters this evening. But, my God, the social media world harbours some pretty smug and self-righteous individuals. The words “I’m sorry, but you’re not allowed to say that!” are never far from their lips – or, to put it another way, only liberals are allowed to be offensive.

Wise words, I feel, and ones of warning too.

Do we really want freedom of speech jeopardising more than it already is and the power to pass judgment  on what people say appropriated by a few self-righteous types with a Twitter account?

And we’ve all seen how few people it needs to sway a frightened MSM.

Is this really empowering people?

Or is it just one more way in which we actually lose the power to choose for ourselves what we read, see and hear in the media?

The usual Daily Mail dogwank

OK…back to some Old Skool Daily Mail bashing.

So, if you have a swear filter, plug the fucker in NOW because some shit’s about to fly.

If you haven’t got a swear filter and don’t like bad language, please fuck all the way off.

If you haven’t got a swear filter and you’re a Daily Mail reader then please fuck all the way off after having rolled your shitty reading matter up into a stout cylinder and stuck it up your arse.

If you don’t give a fuck about swearing then welcome…

I’ve been very restrained on the swearing front lately and I’m going to grab this cunt of an opportunity with both fucking hands and really enjoy the motherfucker.



Here’s the headline:

Muslims refuse to use alcohol-based hand gels over religious beliefs

Here’s the story.

Here’s the first line of that story:

Some Muslims have refused to use alcohol-based hand gels to combat the spread of swine flu because they claim it is against their religion.

See what the Daily Fucking Mail’s doing?

Your attention is grabbed by the headline and then after you’ve assumed that all Muslims are going to stop using hand gel – thus allowing Swine Flu to kill everyone in the whole wide fucking world – it qualifies the initial statement with ‘some’.

A real cuntish trick.

However, how many is ‘some’?

Some of those employed by St Albans Council in Hertfordshire have complained about the antibacterial lotion, which is considered a key strategy in containing the virus.

Officials were concerned because the Koran bans Muslims from consuming alcohol, so council chiefs issued them with non-alcohol hand gels, which studies have shown to be less effective in killing bugs.

Ah, some of those employed by one town in one county.


…Muslim leaders criticised the council’s decision to change the gel, pointing out that Islamic teachings allow Muslims to use alcohol for medicinal purposes.

The Muslim Council of Britain said: ‘We would advise people to follow the medical advice so we would, of course, encourage people to use hand gel. ‘People need to find ways to accommodate their beliefs.’

So, that’s some Muslim employees from one town in one county acting against the teachings of their own religious leaders.

Out of the 8 comments so far made (yes, only 8 because it’s not about people in gay marriages adopting children or plummeting house prices) on the article by readers (and I use that term very loosely) there’s the usual frothing:

All those who are unwilling to adhere to set guidlines should be sacked. Yes, we all have the right to practice our chosen religion in UK, a privalidge not afforded in all countries. But this does not equate to increasing the risk of infection to others solely on the basis of your chosen religion.

Why are muslim advisors invoved? This is a matter of public health, infections do not discriminate.

– diane, london, 26/7/2009 00:41

Stop wasting our tax money on coming up with expensive alternatives to anyone who refuses to abide by the rules on “religious or any other non ridiculous grounds.” There are troops out there dying because of lack of funds and equipment. Please – somebody rescue us from this clueless party – Labour.

– Emily Moran, Wokingham, UK, 26/7/2009 01:21

Thank you Emily and Diane – now fuck off and screw yourself with your precious fucking newspaper.

However there’s also a bit of reason evident for a change:

‘But Muslim leaders criticised the council’s decision to change the gel, pointing out that Islamic teachings allow Muslims to use alcohol for medicinal purposes.’

So what’s the fuss ?

– Jay, Liverpool, uk, 25/7/2009 23:42

I’m guessing Jay found his usual paper had sold out and he had to make do with the paper read by fuckheads.

So, there you go…

More cuntishness by the paper that never fails to surpass itself in cuntishness.

A nice bit of alarm-rasing for those easily swayed.


Hordes of pig-ignorant pillocks with dogwank for brains are going to read that headline and then accuse every Muslim in the country of putting the entire nation’s health at risk.

Well done, chaps.

I bet Paul Dacre’s really proud of you.


Wheelie bad news

Hmm…a bit of free time, so a cruise through the news…

World news…Ooh, Iran…OK there…nice and quiet…and North Korea won the footy…well done, them! So much for the ‘axis of evil’ and regional instability in the Far and Middle East.

The Economy…ah…lots of green shoots, so everything OK by Christmas. Two jobs for everyone and maybe some tax cuts next year!

Politics…nice to see full transparency over the MPs’ expenses…no need to bother with any reforms there. Carry on chaps – and dredge another moat on me, why don’t you?

Health…lots of dosh sloshing round in the NHS…waiting lists so short they’re begging you to have an op even if you don’t need one.

Local news…Doncaster’s well set…new EDP Mayor who’s going to clean up the town…Utopia by the autumn!

Everything’s great!

Not much news at all.

Which must explain why the Daily Mail is making such a big deal over this – even to the extent of launching a campaign.

Child abuse…economic ruin…criminal justice system broken…parliamentary corruption…


It’s those evil, evil wheelie bins that are the source of all mankind’s woes.

To Paul Dacre…it’s not the bins you twat…it’s the EU directives on waste you should be concerned about…

A hot tip for the English Democrat Mayor of Doncaster

Peter Davies’ first day as the English Democrats Mayor of Doncaster – the video.

Amongst other mayoral duties, Davies cleared out his predecessor’s desk.

Peter the Punter

Look more closely and you’ll discover the Mayor’s papers of choice – that bigoted and tawdry piece of low rent toilet paper bastion of public morality and middle class decency, the Daily Mail, and that erudite political journal the Spectator Racing Post.

Peter the Punter2

This prompts me to suggest that as a betting man Mr Davies might stand more chance of ensuring Doncaster Council’s financial wellbeing if he forgot about cutting services and jobs and just bunged the whole budget on a horse.

Might I suggest Spitfire in the 3.30 at Doncaster next Sunday?

Nice patriotic name (as flown in the Battle of Britain England) and its form makes it seem worth a punt…

Fucking chavs

There’s a lot of evil cunts out there – and for once I’m not talking about the shower of shite we have at Westminster snuffling at the taxpayer-funded trough we so kindly fill to overflowing for them.

I’m talking about cunts like Joseph Phillips.

His beating of a pensioner to see what it felt like to kill somebody only seems to have made two papers today – the Sun and the Mail.

It does, however, seem to be an important story as it once again reveals what a lack of morality and cohesion there is in our society.

It’s got none of the blanket coverage of, say, the ex-junkie being whacked at the G20 demonstrations but it’s a rather more commonplace crime than such possible police brutality.

I suppose it’s all so mundane that it’s not newsworthy enough for everyone to cover.

Which is a sad comment on modern Britain in itself.

I have to fess up here and say that I really hate chavs – those spitting, swearing, semi-feral, Stella-swilling, dope-smoking, idle, parasitic fuckers who make many people’s lives a misery and whenever I see a crowd of chavs doing what chavs do so well, I’m filled with a desire to try and get hold of a shotgun and take a few out…

I wouldn’t do that, of course – I’d find myself in trouble, but I can’t help thinking that without such vast numbers of these revolting cunts – and their welfare-subsidised chav families – we’d all be a lot better off in all sorts of ways.

The answer?

Fucked if I know.

I think the best we can hope for is that they all get terminal liver damage and that chlamydia brings on sterility so the whole rotten ‘breed’ just dies out.

It can’t happen soon enough for me.

Ian Tomlinson – a Daily Mail reader speaks

To be fair to the police, the guy was meandering around aimlessly with no apparant purpose or reason for him being there, and appeared drunk. I would have thought he was a protester, and given that he made no attempt to get out of the way of the police approach (in fact he looks like he is purposely getting in their way) – I would have pushed him out of the way too.

– AA, Herts

AA, you’re a cunt.

Now, fuck off

A Victorian evening

My good lady wife Mrs Shark, Master Shark, our grandson young Master Edward and myself have just concluded a most convivial evening in the drawing room singing around the grand piano.

Ah, but didn’t Mrs Shark’s fingers dance like dainty butterflies over the ebony and ivory and there was ne’er a dry eye in the house when we all sang ‘Come into the Garden, Maud’.

Lord Tennyson’s poetry and Mr Delius’ musical setting combine so well…indeed, I believe I even heard the upstairs maid weeping as our voices rose in a crescendo.

But, that’s by the by, and now that the little ones have been put to bed by Nurse and Mrs Shark is embroidering an antimacassar I have time to peruse the daily papers.

Egad, foul contagion is on the rise in our fair capital city!

The Daily Mail – the paper of the gentility and beautifully pressed by my butler, the trusty Scrotum*  – is revealing grim tales of plague and bacterial infestation, with whooping cough, scarlet fever, mumps and typhoid decimating the labouring classes.

I hear tell of a new process called ‘vaccination’ which, it is said, may serve to prevent some of the foul diseases to which the flesh is heir.

Indeed, it is rumoured most strongly in medical circles that such a process could eradicate such dire diseases in years to come.

It is to be devoutly wished that the more scurrilous purveyors of news – the hacks of Grub Street and, in particular, one Mr Hitchens – will refrain from their usual alarmist tactics and allow this scientific miracle to bear fruit for future generations to come.

I shall now adjourn to my study for a glass of port and the academic delights of ‘Timney’s Weekly’ – a journal for the ‘discerning’ gentleman. I do hear that Timney has acquired some of the new ‘moving pictures’ for distribution to favoured subscribers.

I must ask him for a private viewing some time whilst his good lady wife is away from home at their London pied à terre.

Goodnight, gentle reader.

*The wrinkled old retainer © Vivian Stanshall

Horse shit

Once again, the Mail manages to make a shitty situation worse with its cackhanded reporting of the ‘news’.

Of course, it really should come as no surprise that the ethnocentric suburban brain of the typical Mail reader is incapable of appreciating that not all the world’s inhabitants fret about house prices, ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ and gay adoption, but the writer of this ‘story’ – a certain Liz Thomas  – has done her very best to take one bunch of whinging shitheads – BBC complainers – and somehow make their opinions even more narrowmindedly odious for another bunch of whinging shitheads – the Daily Mail readers.

Scores of angry viewers have slammed the BBC for broadcasting ‘sickening’ scenes of a horse being choked, stabbed through the heart and then skinned.

The disturbing scenes were shown in a documentary about the life of Siberian herders who selected a mare to be killed because she had failed to produce a foal.

Viewers watched in horror as she was lassoed and strangled by a team of five men – who were later described as ‘barbarians’.

Of course, what is totally natural to a Siberian horse herder is likely not to be so to a BBC viewer in Penge, but the Mail story compounds the ignorance and bigotry of the complaints by its over-emotive use of language.

Viewers barely had a moment’s respite before footage showed the bloodied carcass being dragged across the field.  Further close-ups followed as the horse was skinned, gutted and had her hooves hacked off.

And what’s exactly going on here?

Well, it’s sort of a double dose of misplaced outrage.

It’s outrage at someone being outraged.

It’s neither helpful nor fair on people who choose – possibly very wisely – not to live lives concerned with the financial global crisis and the erosion of civil liberties.

What a fucking rag.

More parliamentary greed

Just when you thought you’d heard it all regarding MPs’ expenses and accomodation shenanigans it has emerged that Geoff Hoon had three homes on the go for over 3 years whilst he was Secretary of Defence.

1) A grace and favour residence

2) His constituency residence

3) His London residence which he rented out as he was living in his ‘official’ residence

His response on being asked about this very lucrative arrangement is both predictable and shameless.

I only claimed whatever the rules allowed for. I assure you I had it properly checked out. The [Commons] Fees Office was aware of what was happening.

It doesn’t necessarily mean I was making a profit. That is not a fair interpretation and I do not accept that.

All this at the same time that Jacqui Smith’s expenses have now been detailed in the press.

Amongst other things that are supposed to help her carry out her duties as an MP, she claimed for

a £304 barbecue, garden patio set and heater

It seems crystal clear now – if there was any doubt remaining – that there are some MPs who are taking the taxpayers for every last penny they can screw out of them, without regard to any moral scruples or how they appear to the people who put them in such a privileged position in the first place.

In short, our leaders hold us in contempt and it should come as no surprise that today almost every MP is regarded with suspicion.

The sooner this gravy train is derailed the better for everyone.

By the way, I make no apologies for using the Mail to source this entry – it seemed to offer the most informative reporting after disregarding the rhetoric.