“Britain’s Got Troughers”


Channel 4?

Could you put me through to the commissioning editor, please?

Ah, hello.

Who are you speaking to?


Just call me a man with a plan…

I have a great idea for a new reality TV show.

Yes, I know that Big Brother’s going to be back soon, but this can’t fail!

I know you’re busy, but please hear me out.


You get a large area – about an acre or so, so an existing football stadium would do just fine – and construct a large round cage that can be locked. It’s got razor wire woven through the steel bars so no-one can get out. Then you get 645 MPs…

Yes, MPs.

Why 645? You’ll see later if you like the idea.

Now where was I?


You herd them all into the cage and then you lock the gates.

You get £250 000 in used fivers and then you pour the whole lot in through the top of the cage and watch them fight it out. The last one standing gets the £250K.

Well, what do you think?


How much to use the idea?

Ooh…a hundred K?

You thought I was going to ask for more?


Contract? No need, just send me the money in a large brown envelope marked ‘Wee Georgie Broon’ and just stick it behind the pipes of the second wash basin along in the gents’ at Kings Cross Station. I’ll email you the date and time later.

Yes, I know, Can’t lose can it?



Not good enough

They just don’t get it, do they?

Now that many of our MPs have been caught out as greedy troughing cunts there’s now an undignified scramble as they wave cheques about, make apologetic noises and start to see the gravy train derailing at the next election.

But it was never about the money.

It’s all about their abuse of our trust in them – that their claims would follow the guidelines and be for expenses incurred in their duties as MPs.

So far, what have we got?

Words and a poxy £100 000 being paid back.

It’s not good enough.

Neither Brown, Cameron nor Clegg have shown themselves to have any balls and taken active steps to punish those who have abused the system.

Yes, 20 MPs are going to pay back a small fraction of what they guzzled from the Westminster trough but it’s a drop in the ocean.

Only if tough measures to punish those who have abused our trust are taken will our MPs be able to be trusted again.

Everyone must be named, shamed, thrown out of their party if they have submitted and received fraudulent claims, the relevant criminal prosecution brought if applicable and all moneys obtained that break the code of practice current at the time of the claim returned in full, with interest.

That would satisfy people that Parliament might once again be trusted.

But will it happen?

Will it fuck.