My turd Clarkson/Hislop entry

Fuck.

Me.

I’m stunned…

I thought the Mail had gone completely over the top with regard to the Clarkson/Hislop pen throwing incident.

It never occurred to me that there was another newspaper which could make the incident sound worse.

And no other sleazy redtop with so little journalistic integrity could be found on the shelves of the newsagents of this green and pleasant land.

I was wrong…

I’m still convinced that the Daily Mail is such a poisonous rag that if you wiped your arse with it you’d end up with an infected rectum but for today the Star has really shown itself to be more shit than…well, the biggest cargo ship in the world crammed to the gunwhales with shit then loaded with 2000 tons of extra shit.

It also appears not to like Ian Hislop (hate figure?) – not, I imagine, that he gives a flying fuck.

Here’s what the story says, in all its overblown and inaccurate glory:

CLARKSON DECKS HISLOP

TOP Gear star Jeremy Clarkson has been hailed a hero after a bloody TV bust up with hate figure Ian Hislop.

The controversial petrol head won new fans when he wounded the smug Have I Got News For You? team captain.

Best-selling author Jeremy, 48, threw a strop while hosting the BBC show after the smarmy star accused him of not writing his own work.

He flew into a rage and chucked a pen at Hislop – who also edits Private Eye – catching him in the neck and apparently drawing blood.

An audience member said: “Jeremy was not impressed by the comments and flung the pen at Ian.

“He appeared to be bleeding and seemed stunned by the attack.

“It was just a bit of fun but it was great to see Ian on the receiving end for a change.

“Viewers are used to him sitting there making snide digs at everyone, so it was funny to see him finally getting his comeuppance.”

Hislop, 48, refused to back down. He held on to the pen and snapped back at Clarkson: “I’ll keep this as you obviously have no use for it then.”

Clarkson had lost his rag after being accused of using ghost writers for his news-paper columns.


From the headline you know you’re in for a real treat and then it just piles on exaggeration after exaggeration and then some extra exaggeration just for the sheer hell of it.

You know, it’s like watching someone construct a detailed model of the Andromeda Galaxy out of a pile of dog excrement.

It’s something no-one’s ever attempted before and it’s undeniably skilful in some sick and tortured way, elaborate to the point of being Baroque with added Gothic flying buttresses, Doric capitals and Ormolu mounts but, after all is said and done, it’s still just some dog shit.

Fascinating – that someone can actually write such stuff and get paid for it and that people actually buy the paper to read such crap.

I’ve often wondered what the opposite of polishing a turd is and I think the Star has finally provided me with a suitable expression.

Sandpapering a turd…

Clarkson and Hislop stabbing update – where’s Piers Morgan when you need him?

The Mail has updated its Have I Got News For You story.

Now it has graphic images – if you’re squeamish I suggest you google for some soothing pictures of kittens – of the horrific injuries inflicted by the hulking brute Clarkson on the pocket-sized satirist.

However, you can say what you like about BIG JEZZA (I’m a fan and I just wish people would start to only take a mere one percent of what he says seriously) but the Mail story does refer back to an earlier act of physical violence on the part of the petrolheaded lunk for which even his sternest and most vociferous critics should forever owe him a debt of gratitude.

Clarkson later told Hislop he was the second person he had wounded in his life.

The Top Gear host has had an ongoing feud with journalist-turned-TV personality Piers Morgan.

Clarkson famously punched Morgan in front of journalists at the 2004 Press Awards after the latter published photographs of the car enthusiast kissing his female boss four years previously.

Morgan admits he was hit three times, ‘two to the right temple and one to the forehead’ and was left with a scar above his eyebrow.

In an appearance on Parkinson, Clarkson admitted he was ‘ashamed’ of it, declaring it had been the first fight he’d ever been in.

He said: ‘We don’t get on so I punched him.’

Now, I’m not a physical or violent person and I only like seeing fisticuffs when they adhere to the Queensbury Rules but I’d have paid good money to see Clarkson deck that smarmy little shitweasel Moron.

My only regrets about the incident are Jezza’s own regrets and that he didn’t follow up the attack on Moron with a swift kick in the bollocks when the smug bastard was groggy…