Another pint, you filthy binge drinker?

I read an interesting item of news today about breweries.

Apparently, there are now 711 breweries in the UK today – the highest number since the last World War, the largest number in any industrialised nation and 10% up on last year’s figures.

I had a few pints of this one night last week at a gig we played – Purity Pure Gold: a nice clean, crisp, golden summer type ale and only 3.8% ABV, so a rather good choice if, like me, you prefer several weaker beers to a couple of strong ones.

It’s a good example of one of the wide range of interesting beers produced by these new breweries that are popping up all over the place.

On a less cheerful note, the same article once more stated the sad fact that 50 pubs a week are closing up and down the country, which makes you wonder if some of the beers produced by these 711 breweries are ever going to gain any sort of popularity if there’s nowhere to drink them.

Well, it hasn’t quite come to that – yet – so we can all carry on quaffing some good old English ale, can’t we?

Well…no, actually.

Not much of it anyway.

My pints of Purity last week – 5 of them spread over about 4 hours – would now be classed as binge drinking.

I can’t recall losing control, glassing the barman, having unprotected sex with a stranger, coming home and beating the missus or driving into a handy group of orphans standing at a bus stop and neither did I wake up with a hangover.

Mind you, perhaps I did all those things but I had a blackout due to my excessive drinking.

OMFG!

No, I’m sure I just went out, played a gig, , sank a few pints, had a few laughs with my fellow bandmates and then went safely home to sleep, before putting in a full day decorating the hall and landing.

I’ve just checked with an uninjured Mrs Shark who assures me that I arrived home sober, unbloodied, free from the telltale odour of furtive shagging and, as I hadn’t taken the car, that a charge of slaughtering some orphans in a horrific hit-and-run incident wasn’t likely to be brought against me anytime soon.

Unless, of course, I was so shitfaced falling-down drunk that I stole a car…

OMFG!

Phew…I’ve just remembered I don’t know how to steal a motor.

After reading this alarming statement here…

Statistically-speaking, if you’re completely wasted you’re more likely to harm yourself by falling into bushes or stepping out into moving traffic

…Mrs Shark also told me that I didn’t come home with  tyre tracks on my chest or a tree branch up my arse, so that was a bit less to fret about.

So, I reckon my 5 pints were pretty harmless.

But no, I’m a binge drinker, the type of antisocial bastard that will scarce turn a hair at glassing a barman, having unprotected sex with him – sex before or after glassing’s all the same to me because I’m fucking hammered – and then go home and be a cunt there.

Why am I classed as a binge drinker?

Because I drank more than twice my average daily units.

Just one of the increasingly prolific ‘measures’ of safe alcohol consumption levels that the medical advisors to the government and the BMA like to spew out every so often.

It’s 21 units for an adult male like myself.

Twice my daily limit is 6 units and my 5 pints of Purity were about three and a half times my ‘safe’ daily guideline average.

But surely, I hear you ask, as you vainly try to hide your piss-stained trousers and vomit-encrusted t shirt and suck a Polo to take away your Stella breath, these guidelines are scientifically-proven and medically sound?

Well, no.

Guidelines on safe alcohol consumption limits that have shaped health policy in Britain for 20 years were “plucked out of the air” as an “intelligent guess”.

The disclosure that the 1987 recommendation was prompted by “a feeling that you had to say something” came from Richard Smith, a member of the Royal College of Physicians working party that produced it.

He told The Times that the committee’s epidemiologist had confessed that “it’s impossible to say what’s safe and what isn’t” because “we don’t really have any data whatsoever”.

Mr Smith, a former Editor of the British Medical Journal, said that members of the working party were so concerned by growing evidence of the chronic damage caused by heavy, long-term drinking that they felt obliged to produce guidelines. “Those limits were really plucked out of the air. They were not based on any firm evidence at all. It was a sort of intelligent guess by a committee,” he said.

So, let’s see, we have a record number of new breweries which have fewer and fewer pubs to supply, but we are being told to drink less and stay within alcohol consumption guidelines that were drawn up by a working party of cuntwafts in 1987 that arrived at the figure after a ‘sort of ‘intelligent guess’ based on no data ‘whatsoever’.

Nothing wrong here, is there?

You know what?

Fuck it.

Fuck them all.

I’m going to have a beer.

Then I’m going to have another one.

Then I might even have a third…

The only way to keep on drinking

Having had a good look at bloggers’ reactions to the recent draconian and repressive proposals from the BMA to reduce perceived high alcohol consumption in this country, I know one thing for sure.

Only the Libertarian bloggers seem to acknowledge this creep towards prohibition.

Maybe they have some good ideas about other things, too…

More on this tomorrow.

Alcohol: more doctors say more stuff

Here we go again…

This is very worrying.

There should be a ban on all alcohol advertising, including sports and music sponsorship, doctors say.

and

The report points out that while the money spent on alcohol advertising – nearly £200m a year – remained significant, there had been a growth in more subtle types of marketing.

The alcohol industry had, in particular, become a major sponsor of sports events – second only to the finance sector in terms of overall funding.

Do they really think that if I watch a Carling Cup fixture then when I hear the name of that well-known brand of watery piss fit only for washing shit off a tramp’s arse lager or see the advertising boards then I’m going to want to drink the stuff?

Give me a fucking break.

No-one’s that cunting gullible or easily influenced and, if they are, then maybe we should run adverts telling them to jump in front of an Intercity express and so rid society of one more moron.

Next step…warnings about alcohol consumption on TV programs and films.

Then…an eventual ban on seeing it portrayed on screen.

They’ve already banned all tobacco advertising and sponsorship and the entertainment industry seems to be working alongside the various authorities to get rid of smoking on screen.

So, why not apply all this to alcohol?

And the saddest thing is, collectively we’ll just bend over and let them buttfuck one more freedom into oblivion.

Top tip: Get the drinks in while you can.

Mine’s a glass of Rioja – ta.

Scottish quiz night madness

I’m not going to write an in-depth examination of the new laws passed in Scotland to try and reduce alcohol consumption or even argue against all of them.

All I’ll say is that all you non-smokers who like a drink down your local and who rejoiced when the smoking ban came in had better start realizing that that was but the thin end of a very thick wedge…

If you want to know all about the situation in Scotland and more then Dick Puddlecote and Rantin’ Rab have both blogged very eloquently on the subject.

However, one of the measures really caught my eye for which I can see no valid reason and which just flies in the face of all common sense and logic:

A prize of “cash behind the bar” can no longer be given as a reward for winning a pub quiz

Now, I think pub quizzes are a good thing.

Maybe not every night in every pub, but they help to take a boozer from being simply just a place to booze in to a different purpose in the local community once in a while.

And why the cunting fuck not?

They’re maybe not for everyone – I tried one once but it wasn’t for me – but they’re a lot better for a night out than just watching people drink, if that’s what floats your boat.

So, what’s wrong with a cash prize?

Maybe £30 shared between 4 people after a couple of hours of questions?

That’s not enough money to get bladdered on afterwards when split 3 or 4 ways and it’s not as if you’re going to get Stella-swigging chavs pissing it up the wall afterwards – chavs aren’t usually known for participating in such events.

I’m guessing most pub quiz winners just take part for the craic and then any dosh won just defrays the cost of a few drinks quaffed during the quiz itself.

No, all I can think of is that the lawmakers have decided that if there is cash to be won in a pub then people are going to spend it on booze.

Well, so fucking what?

Who the fuck are they to tell people what they can win and how they should spend their money?

Where does all this stop?

How many more bars and clubs have got to close as more and more people decide to stay at home and choose what and how much to drink – and smoke – because it’s just no fucking fun going out any more?

So many questions and this isn’t even a fucking quiz night.

All we can hope is that what’s happening in Scotland won’t happen here.

I wouldn’t bet on it, though.

Cunts.

A right brewhaha

I like beer.

I like beer a lot.

I don’t know why but I just do.

I prefer the weaker brews, so, whether it’s an English-style bitter or a continental lager, about 3.5 to 4.5% ABV maximum usually does me, with 5% tops.

There’s a couple of reasons for this. Firstly, I don’t like the taste of a great many strong beers and secondly, I enjoy the factor of quantity when drinking beer, so I’m after ‘session beer’ strength.

Anyway, I definitely won’t be buying any of this.

It’s an 18.2% stout that will be brewed as a limited run of 3000 bottles and will retail at £9.99.

BrewDog founder James Watt said: “Mass-market, industrially-brewed lagers are so bland and tasteless that you are seduced into drinking a lot of them.

“We’ve been challenging people to drink less alcohol, and educating the palates of drinkers with progressive craft-brewed beers which have an amazing depth of flavour, body and character.

“The beers we make at BrewDog, including Tokyo*, are providing a cure to binge beer-drinking.”

I think it’s a pity that Mr Watt opened his mouth to justify and defend brewing such a strong beer, because first of all, it’s bollocks to claim that it’s a cure for binge beer-drinking and secondly, why does he need to in the first place?

I suppose he was worried about comments like these from the usual guardians of public morality and safety:

…Alcohol Focus Scotland chief executive Jack Law warned high alcohol percentage beer could cause as much damage as drinking to excess.

“This company is completely deluded if they think that an 18.2% abv, (alcohol by volume), beer will help solve Scotland’s alcohol problems,” he said.

“It is utterly irresponsible to bring out a beer which is so strong at a time when Scotland is facing unprecedented levels of alcohol-related health and social harm.

“Just one bottle of this beer contains six units of alcohol – twice the recommended daily limit.”

But that’s equally bollocks.

Binge drinkers are more likely to spend a tenner on a case of Stella or two 4-packs of Special Brew at Tesco, rather than a limited edition beer from a specialist outlet.

In fact, a bottle of Tokyo* would be the last thing a binge beer-drinker would buy with a tenner.

The clue’s in the fucking word ‘binge’, Mr Law.

Just leave us the fuck alone.

Bishop talks through arsehole

Every now and then, you come across a story that has you reaching for the calendar to check that it really isn’t April the first.

Middle-class drinkers in their homes are as bad as riotous youths, says bishop

The Rt Rev John Gladwin, the Bishop of Chelmsford, criticised the double-standards he claims exist in the attitudes of more affluent sections of society towards Britain’s “binge-drinking” culture.

He argued that they could not condemn teenagers’ behaviour if they are getting drunk themselves, and claimed that they are ultimately responsible for the rise in alcoholism.

Where do you fucking start?

Well, first of all, I’ll be honest and say that I had a few drinks last night.

I had several large Pimms – my favourite sunny Saturday drink, long with lemonade over ice and a bit of fruity and salady garnish – a bit of cucumber, strawberries, etc.

I then had a couple of glasses of Cremant de Bourgogne Rose.

I felt a little tipsy when I was into the Pimms, but managed to cook the Bouef Bourgignon that we had later without any problems.

I’m racking my brains to recall if I kicked a pensioner to death, went out for a drunken drive in a stolen car and ran over a group of children or smashed up a bus shelter whilst yelling obscenities, but nothing comes to mind.

As far as I can tell, I didn’t even puke on the pavement or collapse in a comatose heap anywhere.

But it’s all my fault is it, when chavs do these things?

Listen you self-righteous twat in a funny collar – you’re just another media whore trying to justify your own privileged lifestyle and just one more in the long line of cunts who claims to know the answer to society’s evils. Something I find ironic when your field of expertise is based on one of the most divisive concepts ever dreamed up by mankind.

More pertinently, what gives you the right to tell me that I’m wrong in the way I live my life, where I drink, when I drink and what I drink?

I can’t see one shred of supporting evidence to show how this twat arrived at his opinionated conclusion.

Perhaps I just have to have ‘faith’, eh?

It’s annoying enough when the government tells me what I should be doing – but at least they’re (mostly) elected.

Not so this tit.

I see from Wikipedia that Gladwin is going to retire in August this year.

Hoo-fucking-ray.

Fuck off, Bish.

UPDATE:

I’ve just thought, I bet I spend less on drinking at home than some of these chavs who neck down supermarket Stella and vodka at home or a mate’s and then go off drinking in pubs and clubs charging inflated prices.

So Gladwin’s quote…

“Growing prosperity is behind the rise in alcoholism. We now go out and buy our wine for the weekend.”

…makes even less sense than it did when I first read it.

And is going and buying a bottle or two of wine for the weekend a recent phenomenon?

I’ve been doing it for about 35 years now.

What a douchebag.

Drink and drugs

Madness.

It would mean most bottles of wine could not be sold for less than £4.50.

Now, I live right next to a churchyard that’s been the venue for teenage drinking sessions – thankfully, it no longer seems to be – and I’ve seen the empties left behind after a night’s piss up.

I counted the empty Stella cans once and, if my memory serves me correctly, the score was in the high teens – say 18.

I also counted the empty wine bottles and the score was precisely zero.

People tend to neck beer and it’s the drink of choice for most adolescents.

Not so in the case of wine.

So, I’m suggesting a higher tax on known types of drinks that are widely abused such as alcopops, cider and lager.

I don’t agree with the proposals, but let’s at least target them.

What’s suggested penalises the wrong people.

But – even better – let’s legalise ALL drugs.

That way we can tax them to pay for the policing of matters more worthy of police attention, improve their purity, eliminate the associated crime, put real money into rehab and education and stop this ridiculous war on drugs that’s never going to be won.

Come to England and get pissed!

I’m getting a tad fucked off with all the differences it can make on your pocket depending on which part of this Sceptered Isle you inhabit.

It seems a strange way to run a United Kingdom with us English having to pay for prescriptions and the Welsh not having to pay anything.

Then there’s the Scots with no further education tuition fees…

Frankly, it’s a fucking mess.

And here’s even more bullshit along similar lines:

The latest Scottish Parliament proposals regarding alcohol.

Has anyone thought this crap through, for fuck’s sake?

This, in particular, is going to cause a lot of trouble.

Pursue the establishment of a minimum price per unit of alcohol, including further research on setting the level.

OK, say they arrive at £1.50 a unit. That means a pint of 5% ABV beer will cost about £4.50 a pint. Say a quid more than it does at present.

Now, if I lived near the English/Scottish border I’d be very tempted to go and drink and buy my booze in England if I lived in Scotland.

Can you imagine what it might be like living in a border town in England if the Scots do have higher alcohol prices?

Maybe I pitched that £1.50 a unit figure too high, but then if it’s only fractionally higher than it is at present, what effect is that going to have on consumption?

I’m inclined to think ‘fuck all’.

Do the people who dream these proposals up get paid per fuckwitted idea?

It would appear so.

I know…sack their useless arses and spend the money on liver transplants.

Better still, use their fucking livers.

No, bad idea – you’d have to be permanently pissed to think of this shit in the first place…

A lack of testicular fortitude

Once again, our government shies away from actually taking effective steps to remedy a situation and, instead, wants to put in place unworkable alternatives.

I refer to the recent Department for Transport consultation paper aimed at cutting down accidents caused by dangerous driving.

Amongst its many half-baked and ineffective suggestions is the idea (according to the Daily Telegraph) that instead of reducing the drink drive alcohol limit from 80mg of alcohol per 100ml of blood to 50mg – a move that would bring us into line with most of Europe – we put in place a system whereby friends, neighbours and colleagues can inform on people who constantly drive over the limit.

Hmm…sounds a bit Stalinist, but – more to the point – it sounds totally bloody ineffective.

I also chuckled at the suggestion that there was no legal limit set for the amount of illegal drugs such as cannabis, heroin or cocaine in the bloodstream when it came to driving ‘under the influence’. Now there’s a contradiction for you!

It all smacks of a lack of will and a reluctance to introduce effective measures to deal with a problem and it seems to be a recurrent theme over the last 10 years.

New balls please!