Fifth hand tobacco smoke

Yes, it’s that time of year when the clothes that saw you through the past winter get cleaned – if necessary – and then put away until they’re needed again.

So…away go the jumpers – better keep a couple out just in case of unseasonal cold snaps – and the overcoats and out come the shorts and t-shirts ready for the sun.

I’m in summer garb already – as I suspect most people reading this are too – and looking forward to those lazy, hazy, crazy days, as Nat King Cole used to sing.

Of course, this may necessitate a trip out shopping if you find your wardrobe needs a revamp and that favourite t-shirt is a bit scruffy now.

This garment is certainly something that won’t be on many people’s ‘must buy’ list:


Yes, it’s the smoking jacket – what every respectable man about town used to wear after he’d slipped out of his suit jacket and, along with spats, plus fours and cummerbunds, is one of those garments that rarely get seen outside of old films.

However, the smoking jacket may be about to make a dramatic comeback if this article is to be believed and a certain Mr Wiens gets his way:

Prince George, B.C. – Third hand smoke is something people should be taking seriously–that from a Tobacco Reduction Coordinator with Northern Health. George Wiens, says if you walk into a home or sit in a car and smelled the pungent odour of a distant cigarette, that is third hand smoke. He says with each cigarette, third hand smoke gets into  furniture, carpets , clothing, blankets, hair and toys. Wiens says babies and children are most at risk from third hand smoke. He says kids are “on the floors, on the rugs in our home, and young children very tactile. They pick things up and put it in their mouth. Long term those low level exposure dosages will have health effects.” Wiens says smokers can reduce the risk by smoking outside and away from children, wearing a designated smoke jacket and washing their hands as soon as your cigarette is done.

‘Designated smoke jacket’…now that’s a term that I’ve never heard and one I thought I’d never hear.

Of course, the concept of ‘third hand smoke’ has been around for a couple of years now – and the theory still has its establishment supporters who present its ‘dangers’ as proven –  but the idea of wearing special clothes for smoking is rather more recent, as Mr Wien’s words from this week’s news reveal.

Or is it?

In fact, in 2007 an ‘anti-smoking jacket’ appeared which seems not only to offer the wearer a suitable garment on which to get his disgusting third hand smoke, but also presents a moral perspective:


An interactive piece about cause and effect of behavioral choices, the Anti-Smoking Jacket contains a visceral, iconographic “warning system”. While wearing the jacket, a smoker can perform the polite act of blowing their cigarette smoke into a “container” at the collar, in order to avoid blowing it in the faces of people around them. But the smoke then filters into a set of see-through lungs at the front of the smoker’s jacket, visible to everyone. Over time the lungs, which have an air-filter back, should darken from cigarette smoke.

Not content with this, the same student has designed two other garments:

The Malignant Mole Bikini…is made from UV sensitive pigment. In the shade, the bikini appears normal. But once exposed to UV light, dark spots similar to moles appear in various places on the bikini.

The Couch Potato Belt…is a belt that “grows” love handles in relation to how inactive the user is.

As she states, the designer has humorous intentions, although I doubt Mr Wiens has…

Wiens must be in hog heaven in Canada, where smoking in cars with children looks almost certain to be banned across the whole country very soon.

So surely Wiens could be trying a bit harder…

In fact, why he doesn’t go the whole hog is beyond me.

If all of us filthy smokers get these…


…then we can put them on after we’ve had a cigarette in the garden and then wear them in the house to protect our children from the unproven but fatal effects of second and third hand tobacco smoke.

Moreover – as an added precaution – each wearer should also sport a tin foil beanie under their smoking hazard suit, just in case fourth hand smoke (that toxic psychic residue left over everything when the smoker merely thinks about lighting up) should contaminate our houses.

Oh fucking fuck…

I guess I’ve just invented fifth hand smoke – someone’s already beaten me to the fourth hand variety!

7 Responses

  1. Will those smokers of a certain faith also have to wear a yellow star on their smoking jacket.

  2. @Informer
    Oh, all the smokers will have yellow stars as the new Untermensch of society.
    No ethnic, racial or gender divisions for us!

  3. […] some magical homeopathic qualities whereby the fewer there are, the more potent the effect. Third and even fourth hand smoke even gives homeopathy a bad name. Twenty cigarettes a day and the smoker lives, but pick up one […]

  4. no one gives a fuck what you think anyway

  5. They don’t?
    Thanks for telling me.
    Now fuck off and suck dog cocks, or whatever you do for a living.

  6. publish bollox and don’t be get uppity when ur called a cunt

  7. I’ll get uppity with who I want here, you cocksucking goatfucker.

    Boring in Bristol is it?

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