Quality TV takes a shit and dies and Leonard Cohen almost does the same

TV really is a pile of fucking shite.

But Saturday Night TV takes piles of fucking shite to a whole different league.

Yes, it’s X-Factor and Strictly Come Dancing time.

I loathe ‘reality TV’ from Big Brother to whatever they’re trying to foist on us as the latest thing – Celebrity Enema Challenge or some such cunting garbage.

And now the self-serving moronic cluster fuck that is Saturday night TV is in the news.

Simon Cowell has said the prime time TV clash between The X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing is “crazy” and he hopes to persuade ITV to move The X Factor.

Writing in the Sun, Cowell said it was unfair to force licence fee payers to choose between the two popular shows.

Cowell goes on to say that he was:

…surprised that the BBC, which does not need to attract advertising, had prompted the clash and said licence-payers wanted quality TV, not a ratings war.

Well, sorry Si, but what and where is this ‘quality TV’ of which you speak?

I’ve combed the program schedules but quality TV seems to have taken a shit and died.

Blu-Ray HD DVD – that’s the way to go.

More expensive, but at least I can choose to watch something other than the lowbrow pap that the people I’m paying – either from my TV licence or through advertising – seem to think I want.

Crank 2 tonight – lots of mindless violence, gore and swearing.

Lovely stuff.

In further entertainment news I read that

Singer Leonard Cohen is recovering after collapsing on stage in Spain, a spokesman for his music company has said.

The 74-year-old became ill during a concert in Valencia and was taken to hospital as a precaution.

He has now been discharged and is said to have had food poisoning.

Food poisoning, my fucking hairy arse.

He bored himself into a comatose state and it was a cunting miracle anyone else was awake enough to even fucking notice he’d fallen over.

Having said that, he is responsible for one of the best lyrics – if possibly the bleakest – ever written:

Everybody Knows

Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
Everybody knows that the war is over
Everybody knows the good guys lost
Everybody knows the fight was fixed
The poor stay poor, the rich get rich
Thats how it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows that the boat is leaking
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody got this broken feeling
Like their father or their dog just died

Everybody talking to their pockets
Everybody wants a box of chocolates
And a long stem rose
Everybody knows

Everybody knows that you love me baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that youve been faithful
Ah give or take a night or two
Everybody knows youve been discreet
But there were so many people you just had to meet
Without your clothes
And everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows
Thats how it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows
Thats how it goes
Everybody knows

And everybody knows that it’s now or never
Everybody knows that it’s me or you
And everybody knows that you live forever
Ah when you’ve done a line or two
Everybody knows the deal is rotten
Old Black Joe’s still pickin’ cotton
For your ribbons and bows
And everybody knows

And everybody knows that the plague is coming
Everybody knows that it’s moving fast
Everybody knows that the naked man and woman
Are just a shining artifact of the past
Everybody knows the scene is dead
But there’s gonna be a meter on your bed
That will disclose
What everybody knows

And everybody knows that you’re in trouble
Everybody knows what you’ve been through
From the bloody cross on top of Calvary
To the beach of Malibu
Everybody knows it’s coming apart
Take one last look at this sacred heart
Before it blows
And everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows
Thats how it goes
Everybody knows

Oh everybody knows, everybody knows
Thats how it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows

And here’s Len performing it.

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5 Responses

  1. The Culture Secretary had his useless two pennyworth on Radio Five live yesterday too, saying it was unfair that both programmes would be on at the same time and urging the BBC to reconsider as people would be left disappointed at not seeing one of the programmes live.

    Economy’s up the swanny, kids getting killed in Iraq/Afghanistan, but what really disappoints people is having to miss a substandard karaoke or dancing contest.

  2. I heard that too, but decided not to blog about that aspect of this whole tawdry business – I was worried that my brains might implode.

    ‘Unfair’…’Culture Secretary’…red mist…KILL!

  3. I see the Culture Secretary has joined the “appease the commercial sector” lot, along with mini-Murdoch. They all just want to have their cake and eat it… they want a leaner, cheaper public broadcaster, but one that only produces dour, niche programmes, thus leading to less commercial power abroad and therefore the need for greater public funding.

    They can’t stand it when the BBC competes with the commercial sector on its own terms (like you, Steve, I have no time for reality TV shite, but it’s clear that the BBC is every bit as skilled in that field as the commercial channels).

    They’re forgetting that the BBC has a long tradition in populist entertainment (however teeth-grindingly cheesy it might be) but also that Lord Reith himself summarised the broadcaster’s purpose as “Educate, Inform, Entertain”. Oh, and they’re also forgetting that every bloody household in the land has access to at least one of these… VCR, DVR, iPlayer, ITV Player…

  4. Are there grounds for a Trades Description claim against the Office for Media, Culture and Sport? I can’t remember there being a Culture Sec who was in any way cultured…

  5. Quality choice with Lenny C, there…

    by the way, “Quality TV” is an oxymoron of epic proportions.

    Manage your expectations, Mr Shark.

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