Road tripping

We’ve had our grandson staying with us and I had to take him back home yesterday.

What follows is a random collection of thoughts, rants and observations prompted by the journey (with Radio 2 on) from Milton Keynes to the Forest of Dean and back again…

30mph in a 50 zone


The roads between Milton Keynes and the Forest of Dean are pretty poxy. Very little in the way of dual carriageway, so once you get stuck behind a vehicle then you can be there for quite a few miles. At this time of year it can even be a tractor but at least they’re going slow for a reason…

Yesterday’s award for most annoying cunt on the Queen’s Highway goes to the owner of the silver Fiesta who insisted on driving at 30 to 35mph for some 10 miles through what was mostly a 50mph limit. In fact, that road used to be 60mph but due to the mistaken assumption that speed kills – and not bad fucking driving – it was reclassified several years ago. What also got me was the braking to 20mph at every corner.

Having been done for speeding last year, I’m now generally pretty careful about keeping to the limit so it’s not that I wanted to cane it yesterday. Just being able to drive at the legal limit would have been fine, but the shithead in front seemed to have some sort of obsession with crawling along and holding up an ever-growing stream of traffic.

Cunt.

Lily Fucking Allen


She guested on ‘Steve Wright in the Afternoon’ – yes, we had Radio 2 on…

If there’s anyone who’s been so successful with such a minimal amount of talent then I’d like to know who the fuck it is so that I can demote Ms Allen from the first place she holds just above Coldplay in second place and U2 in third.

Why the fuck she sings with that irritating glottal stop when she doesn’t talk with it is a mystery to me. Maybe she just wants to sound ‘street’.

Who knows?

And, I suppose (in the grand scheme of things) who really gives a fuck anyway?

File under ‘Talentless Bint’.

A van pun


I passed a grass cutting services van just outside Buckingham.

It had the name ‘The Lawn Ranger’ on the side – which made me chuckle, but even better was the caption underneath – “Weapons of Grass Destruction’. I’m sure it’s been used before, but it was the first time I’d seen that one.

Liverpool Plod


It seems the police in Liverpool have hit upon a novel idea to cut down the crime stats there.

They go around the streets in the early hours of the morning seeing which front doors are unlocked. Then they alert the occupier to the fact – which would seem to this citizen to be fraught with all sorts of danger such as being twatted with a baseball bat.

So far, 50 houses out of 1500 checked were not secured.

To which I say, so fucking what?

That’s less than 4%, and if that 4% of people choose not to safeguard their property then it’s their own look out.

More importantly it’s yet one more example of the State interfering with people’s lives by taking away individual responsibility.

It seems common sense to me to lock your door at night and I think that the vast majority of people would agree. It’s just that some people just don’t care.

So, fuck ’em. Let them get burgled and then tell them to fuck off.

Sorted.

Junk food


I tend to get a bit crabby if I don’t eat at midday so when we stopped for petrol (@105.9p a litre) I had one of these, which I ate as I drove – thus striking a blow for personal freedom.

Frankly, although it did the job, it was pretty nasty. Limp pastry with a vaguely savoury filling of homogenous goo.

Not an experience I’d want to repeat, although the fucking thing repeated on me for the rest of the journey.

Edward Kennedy


As even a tapeworm could have predicted, every news bulletin carried the news of his death in an overly obsequious manner and also included that cuntbucket at Number 10’s our esteemed PM’s tribute:

Senator Edward Kennedy will be mourned not just in America but in every continent.

I’m guessing that certain households in Northern Ireland will have cracked out the bunting and be feeling a little buoyed up by the news, Gordon, so fuck you.

For a more balanced view, Ed West’s piece in the Telegraph is worth reading.

Political dynasties? Bad news in general. Even the Blairs are trying to get one going…

So, Cherie – fuck you too.

Dead badgers


Cars 2 – Badgers 0

Highway Code courses for badgers – NOW!

Should be good for another few hundred grand pissed away on some fucking quango or fake charity

Football hooliganism


First time West Ham and Millwall have played in quite a while…local derby…two ‘firms’ well-known for the odd ruck or two…

Why was anyone surprised?

It’s a stone-cold, 100 proof, 24 carat gold no-fucking-brainer.

Of course, it shouldn’t be tolerated, but a lot could have been done to minimise the trouble – mainly more police inside the ground. Or failing that, it should have been played behind closed doors. What is apparent is that the police deployment was all wrong and some of the fuckers in Liverpool who were trying to see if people’s front doors were unsecured at night should have been sent ‘dahn sarf’ to help out.

Meanwhile, I found this on a fan forum:

Life time bans for throwing a bottle seems over the top to me, thuggery is always been in football and always will be.
Football in this country is now a lot better than many others, italy, poland etc.
I would hate to have a ifetime ban for the club i love just for a moments madness, i do however think the stabbing is well over the top and should not be tolerated.
Football is a passionate game

Passionate?

Let’s see if you think it’s ‘passionate’ when some cunt lobs  a bottle at another cunt – a cunt like you, for example…

Get a motherfucking brain, you window-licking, mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging shithead.

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5 Responses

  1. Quite the whirlwind tour there, Steve.

    Welcome back, mate.

    There’s only one thing you need to know about Lily Allen and it is this:

    http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/music/article6288647.ece

    AJ

  2. HAHAHA what a stormer of a come-back piece!

    Superb to have you back that man…keep up the skills!

    JD

  3. Having just watched them on the TV, I respectfully, but quite insistently, ask that you add Kings of Leon to your list. Thank you.

  4. Oh, good call, sir!

    I can’t really see what all the fuss is about.

    File under ‘underwhelming tosh’.

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