As you may have guessed, I’m a crop circle sceptic.
People with sandals made of muesli and a copy of the Fortean Times stuck up their arse can wander about the flattened cereal plants as much as they like, muttering about ‘mysterious alien forces’ and brandishing little boxes with flashing lights, but nothing will ever convince me that these circles are anything but clever practical jokes staged by our fellow man, until I see the proof for an alternative theory with my own eyes.
Steve Alexander, a crop circle fanatic, from Gosport, Hampshire, said: “Some years you do get themes developing and often you are looking for why this happens.
“It could be to reflect the status of the world at the moment with its financial, political and more importantly, environmental problems.
So, in 2009, why don’t the crop circle fairies give us a nice grassy picture of an MP dancing with his ducks in his duck house or a polar bear sitting in a deckchair on a tropical beach with a nice cool pina colada clutched in its paw?
“There has certainly been a lot of activity and this is the busiest year since 1999 at the moment,” said Mr Alexander.
“People believe they will increase in frequency up to 2012 where there will be some kind of cataclysmic world event.”
Those friends of yours who visit crystal shops, buy mooncups and won’t eat anything with a face?
What ‘cataclysmic world event’?
Coldplay releasing an album that doesn’t sound as if they’re as miserable as fucking sin?
Why are you a total knob-end who believes in unscientific crackpot theories?
(Whilst I’m on the subject of crop circles, this may be the funniest thing I’ve read all week.)