How to be a prize cunt or Ed Balls

Not quite the Ed Balls/rope interface we’d like to see

– around the neck would be far more fitting…

Spend a lousy few quid on a couple of Remberance Day wreaths and then try and claim it on your expenses – particularly when your wife’s raking in the expenses bucks too.

Ed Balls, the Schools Secretary, attempted to claim for two Remembrance Sunday poppy wreaths. The claim was rejected by the fees office.

Tight bastard.

In which I get involved in a drunken* brawl

I’m hanging about waiting for Plod so he can take a statement off me.

I’ve just witnessed a rather nasty assault right outside my house by one eastern European on another. Both were completely bladdered and when one of them got the other on the ground, he kept lifting him up and letting his head fall back on the road.

It took about 15 minutes for the police to get here after I dialled 999 twice and both my neighbours did the same. Meanwhile, the guy who was down was getting his head smacked on the road and his stomach knelt on repeatedly.

I tried to get the guy to stop and he kept saying ‘no problem’ and just kept on with the head battering.

In the end I went and got a hiking stick which is telescopic and when closed has a nice heft to it a bit like a police baton.

I told him that there would be a fucking problem if he kept on because I’d fucking twat him, and at one point I thought he was going to go for me so I scoped out exactly where to stick the end of my weapon – in his eye, and then I’d have kicked him in the balls. Not that I’m violent, just that my wife was with me and I value my own skin and also the relative peace and quiet of my street.

Luckily he calmed down, the police came, the ambulance came and now I have to give a statement.

Welcome to ZaNuLabour Britain, 2009…

*I wasn’t drunk, but the two cunts who disturbed my Sunday evening were…

The return of Severely Visually-impaired* Pugh?

I do so hope that it’s just an ugly rumour that Blunkett may be returning to the Cabinet for a third fucking time.

What the motherfucking cunting fuck does Brown think he’s doing if he resurrects someone’s government career who resigned TWICE before under questionable circumstances?

Hardly a way to bolster public confidence in politics and politicians amidst all the MPs’ expenses revelations, is it?

C’mon, Brown, we now know that practically all MPs are corrupt and shonky bastards – to give us twice-tainted Blunkett again is just taking the piss.

I’d rather his fucking guide dog had a cabinet post…

*Changed from ‘blind’ because Mrs Shark thought it was cruel to bring attention to his blindness.

If there’s a better drink for a hot sunny evening…

…than a long Pimms and lemonade over ice then I’d like to know what it is.

After a productive day putting up some garden lights and giving the stable door* a couple of coats of Ronseal exterior then I feel a couple of Pimms are well-deserved.

*Our backdoor is a split one – opens top and/or bottom – known as a stable door. Just in case you thought we had horses…

The Queen marches on Parliament

‘Off with their fucking heads’

Liz woke at 5 in the morning to the sound of Phil and the corgis snoring.

“Fuck one rigid, ” she thought. “There must be more to life than this. Sodding state receptions, unveiling plaques for things I don’t give a toss about, sorting out the messes my bloody family’s gotten themselves into, Harry’s tittish behaviour…”

She tossed and turned but it was no good, she was wide awake now and another boring day beckoned.

Later, after her customary breakfast of All Bran followed by eggy soldiers, she sat reading the morning papers.

There was column after column of reports of MP expenses fiddling and calls for an early General Election but then something she’d never seen before, and never imagined, not even in her wildest dreams…

‘Why doesn’t the Queen do something?’ screamed the headline in the Daily Blart.

Liz was stunned.

“Bleedin’ Norah,” she thought. “A chance for one to do something useful for a change!”

Calling for her wardrobemaid who assisted her into her crown, jodphurs, thigh length riding boots (with spurs) and the flak jacket with ‘Koo’ embriodered on the back that Andrew had left at the Palace after the Falklands, she immediately phoned round, and 20 minutes later a small but perfectly formed convoy of tanks, armoured troop carriers and any of Britain’s finest who weren’t engaged in shooting goats in Afghanistan was assembled in the Mall.

She climbed onto the leading Chieftain tank and addressed her troops.

“Right, you men. We need to sort out those cunts in Westminster. We want no-one escaping. Round them all up and teapot them (she thought that was the right term) in Parliament Square. We mean to kick bottom and chew fruit pastilles, and we’re fresh out of pastilles!”

So saying, she hit the top of the tank with her riding crop and the convoy moved off.

“One wonders if one can get away with breaking a cap in a few bums, just as a warning?” she mused, toying with Daddy’s old revolver, freshly cleaned and fully loaded with hollow-point bullets.

This would be even more fun than wringing a grouse’s neck.

It was going to a good day after all…

Why the BNP should go to the party

Griffin – he likes a pie…

Even though the BNP is an odious organisation, its leadership is composed largely of convicted criminals and its supporters are – and I’m being kind here – morons, its GLA member, Richard Barnbrook, should be allowed to take the BNP’s leader, Nick Griffin, to the Buck House garden party as his chosen guest.

To oppose this is short-sighted and counter-productive, leaving aside all considerations of free speech.

As I understand it, the invitation to Barnbrook was as a result of his elected membership of the London Assembly, and it should have been no real surprise to anyone that he sought to make what largely imagined political capital he could out of it by inviting Griffin as his guest.

It seems now, however, that Barnbrook will have to invite ‘a more acceptable guest’.

However, consider for a moment what might happen if Griffin did go to Brenda’s bash.

He’d attend, the BNP would then report that their leader went to tea with the Queen and…er, that’s it.

It’s not as if the Queen issues the invitations herself and specifically asked for a couple of BNP chaps to pop along for tea and a cucumber sandwich.

It’s not a photo opportunity where Griffin could be snapped clutching a can of Stella with his arm around Liz’s shoulder looking all matey.

There’s no way, I’m sure, that Griffin and Barnbrook could exercise any control over events there and do something drastic like make a speech calling for racial purity.

In short, if the pair did anything that caused any concern, disturbance or the teensiest-weensiest embarrassment then they’d be pounced on by security quicker than Prezza leaping on a cream cake and ejected pretty fucking smartish.

The alternative – and it looks very much as if it’s the reality of the situation now – is to exclude Griffin and thus allow the BNP to rant, piss and moan about discrimination, bias, exclusion and prejudice…the very things we more enlightened people (rightly) accuse them of.

It’s playing into their hands and it’s very similar to what happened when Jacqui Smith banned Michael Savage from entering the UK. If she’d have shut the fuck up about him then the vast majority of the UK population would have got on with life perfectly well whilst remaining ignorant of his very existence.

It was a prime example of how to make a situation that was never really bad to start with as shitty as possible and achieve the opposite to what you intended.

Similarly with this BNP invitation fiasco.

Let the two twats attend, then let the BNP report that their glorious leader went to a Buckingham Palace tea party, and then forget about it.

There was never any implied support for the BNP from anyone drawing up a guest list or issuing invitations and it would be very hard for even the BNP to twist events to infer that there was.

Instead, what we have is a lot of frothing from people too fucking stupid to see any further than their own sense of outrage like good old Boris Johnson who is anxious to avoid:

potential embarrassment to Her Majesty

All such statements do is draw attention to the BNP and provide it with ammunition to further its aims.

Another own goal, I’m afraid.

In support of Nadine Dorries

(I wonder if we paid for that TV?)

Mad Nad may be spectacularly stupid on occasion – ‘Tridents (sic) are not weapons of mass destruction’ and, as an ex-nurse, can’t appreciate that an anaesthetised foetus is a direct consequence of the woman carrying it being anaesthetised – and her views on the current MPs’ expenses scandal and its exposure in the Telegraph may be widely unpopular – except with some people like Iain Dale who still refuse to acknowledge what an irrelevance she is to any form of politics – but I have to decry the heavy-handed antics of the Bollock Brothers Barclay Brothers in getting her blog taken down.

Fortunately, even God himself can’t fuck about with Google’s cache, so here’s a link to what she wrote in it.

The fragrant Nadine may be totally radio rental, but she has a perfect right to express herself how she sees fit and be heard and it’s a real shame that the Torygraph chose to adopt this course of action, seeing as Nad had already provided herself with enough rope to hang herself along with every other troughing MP.

Suppressing free speech like this isn’t what I thought exposing the pigs in Parliament was all about.

Quite the reverse in fact.

So, an own goal by the Barclays and the Telegraph and some sympathy for Dorries.

A bit shit, on balance…

Section Nadine Dorries NOW!

She’s finally cracked

Who the fuck voted the fragrant Nadine – as admired by Iain Dale – in as their MP in the first place?

(Remember, this was the woman who stated on BBC Question Time that Trident was not a weapon of mass destruction.)

Next chance you get, whoever you were, kick this Westminster Village idiot out.

Tout de-fucking-suite…

Flirting with Libertarianism

Well, I’ve looked at a lot of comment over the past month or so and I have to say that I’m becoming interested in Libertarianism.

I like the way it seeks to restore freedom to the individual but also involves a strong sense of personal responsibility.

It also transcends tri-partite politics which are, in my opinion, dying – if not dead already.

I also see it as offering credible solutions to a deepening economic crisis with its proposed abolition of personal income tax.

Sure, there are several aspects I still have problems with, but I’ve never found 100% satisfaction in any political party so far.

The main problem I have with Libertarianism at the moment is not the movement’s fault – it’s the closet Tories who are hijacking it.

Shame.

A big ask…I ask you…

Where the motherfucking cunting fuck did the horrible expression – ‘a big ask’ – come from?

From the Australian soap ‘Home and Away’ apparently .

A perfectly good verb has now become a noun, when perfectly good nouns like ‘request’, demand’ or ‘favour’ still function perfectly well.

OK, it’s one syllable instead of two, but isn’t the extra effort worth it when it comes to defending our language against mediocrity and debasement?

I see ‘Friends of the Earth’ have a site called http://www.thebigask.eu – perhaps they ought to think about saving our language before they save the planet.

Ignore anyone who uses this expression – they’re obviously a cunt.

If you’re reading this and you use it – fuck off.

You’re obviously a cunt too…