MPs’ expenses – a 10 point plan to ensure *real* justice is done

I) All 646 MPs shall be investigated, using all available data regarding expense claims – whether paid by the Fees Office or otherwise.

II) Their accounts and claims shall be examined by independent auditors.

III) Any irregularities shall be reported to the Police, HMRC and other relevant authorities.

IV) If applicable, all resulting enquiries shall be pursued to the full extent of applicable laws, regulations and guidelines.

V) All MPs wishing to stand in the next General Election must first be cleared of any wrongdoing that has run contrary to existing laws, regulations and guidelines.

VI) Any MP who has been found to benefit financially or materially from having broken any applicable laws, regulations and guidelines must repay all relevant monies, or an equivalent amount as claimed for, in the case of material goods, taxes due on them and also interest on these sums – both gains and unpaid taxes – as per late payment interest rates set down by HMRC.

VII) If necessary, goods and chattels may be seized to pay any outstanding repayments, fines and unpaid taxes. If the proceeds from these do not cover any outstanding sums, then money may be taken from the pension fund due to the individual.

VIII) Any MP who has broken any laws regarding expenses will be barred for life from taking up any public office or any position of financial responsibilty in the private or charitable sector.

IX) Any MP found to have behaved contrary to applicable laws, regulations and guidelines shall receive no resettlement allowance.

X) Any individual found to have colluded in the misappropriation of expenses will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.


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The BNP – I fucking told you so, Boris you cunt!

The BNP’s part-time publicist yes, that’s as dynamic as the cunt gets…

So, Nick Griffin has pulled out of the Buck House garden party after the recent fuss over his possible attendance.

I said here that the best course of action was to just shut the fuck up about it and let him attend as a guest of an invited BNP GLA member and then his despicable party would be able to make almost zero political capital out of it – if any.

But no.

Boris Johnson, notably, and other people with a lack of common sense which allowed their frothing moral outrage to cloud their judgement wanted Griffin banning.

Here’s what Griffin said about his decision not to attend:

We believe it is still outrageous that a democratically elected member of the London Assembly can’t invite who he likes as a guest to the party at the Palace.

Nevertheless, because we have no wish to embarrass the Queen and allow the liberal left to do more damage to our institutions, I’ve withdrawn from the idea of going myself.

So, he emerges sounding quite reasonable and also concerned for our dear Queen.

Not that he is either of those things.

More importantly, he’s made political capital out of a situation in which he’d have been lucky to make any at all.

So, fuck you very much, Boris and the rest of the brainless moral frothers.

You’ve done it again – made a shitty situation even worse.

An important question…

…well, to me at least.

Why would a well-known Libertarian blog have ‘Iain Dale’s Diary’ listed under ‘Free Thinkers’?

I don’t think I’ve read so many blinkered Toryphiliac posts in one place.

Acid test – ID still thinks Nadine Dorries is sane.


UPDATE – 27-05-09

Dale is now posting in defence of Ann Kirkbride.

Which prompts me to ask – how long now before Dale himself becomes an embarrassment to the Tory party?

Besides, describing Kirkbride as as a ‘young woman’ is justification enough to make you query Dale’s powers of observation – particularly regarding the female form.

(Not that he’s an expert in such matters…)

She’s actually 2 years older than him.

Ah…maybe that’s Dale just trying stay youthful.


Call poor ‘little me’ wacky, call me Dave, call me on 0500 909 693 and call my coke dealer!

I am not a number – I am a complete twat biscuit…

So much to blog about…

…so little time…

I could write about the return of Nadine Dorries’ blog and her latest post which starts with this:

I have spent the last 48 hrs in bed. I told everyone it was a bad tummy, it wasn’t, I had reached the point of stress induced physical exhaustion.

The nausea had soared to the point of physically debilitating me, and so I gave in.

Now, whilst I realise that Nad’s an ex-nurse (and thank fuck for that when she doesn’t understand the basics of anaesthesia) and there’s a remote possibility that she may have diagnosed her nausea correctly, I really don’t think she has.

Whatever she has is definitely contagious, because whilst I read her blog, I felt like puking too.

I could write about her delusional ramblings, but I won’t…

I could write about Call me Dave’s visit to my home town of Milton Keynes in which he talked the talk:

I believe there is only one way out of the national crisis that we face, we need a massive, sweeping, radical redistribution of power.

I’m making clear that big change and a new politics is exactly what people can expect from a Conservative government.

We will begin a massive redistribution of power in our country, from the powerful to the powerless, from the political elite to the man and the woman in the street.

Of course,  if we do get a General Election soon – as he and the right wing MSM and blogosphere are pushing for – then that leaves little time for these seemingly laudable ideas to get put to the electorate in a form which would enable an informed vote to be cast.

I’m really worried that we’ll get all sorts of vague promises in the rush to kick out Labour that will remain just that, and we’ll be left with a system that offers little hope of radical change – and I want fucking radical.

To me, a further few months of Labour inefficiency and control-freak bullshit is a very low price to pay for clearly-formulated policies that people can vote on and, hopefully, institute real change.

It’ll give us all more time to judge whether Cameron may also be able to walk the walk.

Anyway, I’m not writing about a Dave New World…

No, I’m going to write about the BBC…

I like the BBC, so fucking sue me.

I think the financial price we pay for it is way too high and it can be irritating in many ways, but it’s all the public service broadcasting we have at the moment and it has its good points.

However, one of these good points is not the habit Radio 5 Live has of fucking about with the schedules when one of its presenters is on holiday or away covering something newsworthy.

I listen to a lot of Radio 5 Live – it’s a long story which is bound up in insomnia, dislike of music radio and a fascination with people who are so crap at what they do that it’s compulsively entertaining* – and when you listen to a radio station for a long time, you get used to certain people being on certain programmes at a certain time.

It’s called scheduling and it means that I know when to listen and when to exercise my right to hit the off button.

Two shows I listen to a lot are the afternoon show with Simon Mayo and also Richard ‘Charlie’ Bacon between 10 or 11 pm (depending if there’s football on or not) and 1 am.

I turn on Mayo this afternoon, and there’s Richard ‘One more line’ Bacon…

So who’s replacing Bacon tonight?

Rachel Burden.

Why not get Burden to cover Mayo and leave Richard ‘Razor blade’ Bacon where he usually is?

Or – because Burden’s a bit crap – why not get someone else to sit in for Mayo?

Someone new maybe? It’s good to foster fresh talent, surely?

Or what about a guest presenter?

But why disrupt two shows for regular listeners when you only need to disrupt one?

It makes no sense at all and I can’t understand why whoever is in charge of this stuff plays musical fucking chairs with the presenters.

BBC fucktards.

*The best example of this that I know of is Richard ‘Old Snorter’ Bacon – a real live Alan Partridge.

Sacked from Blue Peter for snorting the old rock and roll Harpic, he’s so bloody useless at presenting and chairing a phone in discusion that he’s really entertaining.

I used to follow him on Twitter and I think if he thought that it would get more people following him then he’d shove his iPhone up his rectum and post a picture of his duodenum on Twitpic.

As it is, you get photos of him with his sleb mates, new shoes his wife likes, his car, his sushi, etc, etc. and pretentious shite like this:

About to mow the lawn, then I’ll be making some tabouleh.

Twitter has forced me to confront head on how pedestrian my days are.

1:16 PM May 20th from Tweetie

And this:

I’m not dead. And apparently it’s the feast day of St Pancras which I inadvertently marked with hummous in the station’s Le Pain Quotidien.

4:31 PM May 12th from web

I can’t imagine him after a few lines of coke, so I won’t even try…

File under ‘repulsively fascinating, but ultimately just another talentless and overpaid celebrity cuntjob’.

The Telegraph just doesn’t get it either…

A depressing article in the Telegraph that proves the old adage that a leopard never changes his spots.

Our readers are in no doubt about what matters in the scandal over MPs’ expenses, and nor is the country as a whole. It is the character and the conduct of our politicians that are at issue here, not structures or procedures or regulations. That is why the call from leading Cabinet ministers for the introduction of a system of proportional representation is supremely irrelevant to this crisis. It is the quality of the people who represent us at Westminster that matters, not the machinery we use to elect them.

Here we go…

Roughly translated the Telegraph is really saying is that if we keep the current electoral system then the Tories will win next time, so let’s just keep things all hunky dory the way they have been for fucking years, shall we?

Well, actually you fucktards, no, that isn’t what we all want.

It isn’t about the troughing or even the cunts who troughed – it’s about the fact that the British people are disenfranchised from their own elected Parliament and want less government and more say in what little government we can manage with.

Many of us want the repeal of a lot of the bullshit laws and regulations that NuLabour brought in over the last 12 years that threaten our peace, prosperity and privacy.

Cameron and Co simply haven’t got the balls to do it.

So, in short, take your reactionary paper and cram it up your fucking arse, you shower of servile cunts.

More Libertarian self-exploration

I’ve just taken this quiz and I’ve scored as a Libertarian.


One of my personal heroes, Frank Zappa, seems to have been a Libertarian in all but name, too.

I guess I’d better start taking this all a bit more seriously, now that an election isn’t very far away…

Drunken brawl update

Well, Plod rang last night to ask if they could take our statements today. I said yes and then added, ‘Knock loudly as we may be in the garden burying one of the neighbours,’ to which he laughed.

Unfortunately, he then rang us up at 7.45 this morning to tell us he’d be round with a woman colleague.

We weren’t best pleased at our Bank Holiday lie in getting totally fucked, but I said yes all the same as we were already awake.

Sure enough they rolled up an hour later and then took our statements in separate rooms, which lasted about 90 minutes.

I’ve given statements before but I’ve never known anything like this – you’d think Ed Balls was going to be in the dock for serial dog fucking, banknote forgery and possession of 20 kilos of crystal meth.

I had to not only describe exactly what I saw and what those involved looked like, but also my movements during all of this.

In the next room, my wife was going through all of this too.

At one point, I said to the policeman, ‘It’s not worth it, is it?’

When he asked what I meant I replied that it wasn’t some sort of major case, no-one was going to prison, and shouldn’t, and all that was going to happen, if anything did happen now that the guy he assaulted wasn’t pressing charges, was that the guy carrying out the assault might get a nominal fine, or be bound over to keep the peace. Oh, and I didn’t want one of those stupid letters from victim support either.

He didn’t disagree with me.

(I also asked him if he’d pop round to Westminster and taser a few troughers but he wouldn’t agree to that.)

Anyway, what did all this rigmarole actually achieve?

It basically impinged on my life yet again, like last night did.

I think the next time something like this happens, I shall just check that no-one I know is being harmed and my property is safe, then ignore it, and if people want to knock shit out of each other, just let them.

It’s less hassle and if someone dies, so mote it be.

It’ll mean one less arsehole fucking things up for other people.

Ed Balls’ ‘Ed’s hotline’ balls

Ken didn’t like Ed taking him up the Oxo Tower

This made me really fucking angry:

(Balls) billed the taxpayer for a new phone line, dubbed “Ed’s hotline”, to be installed in his office.

A note accompanying the bill explained that Mr Balls wanted the number so that he could “speak to the office when he needs to and we know it is him when it rings”.

A new BT phone line costs about £120 to install and then you have to pay rental and, of course, call costs.

However, if you get BT Call Sign – an add-on service which allocates a new additional number to your existing BT line and then gives you a distinctive ring pattern so you know which number the caller is accessing – then that costs £5 a quarter.

Call Sign would have done the job as ‘Ed’s hotline’  perfectly well for £20 a year.

But no, Ed goes ahead and makes sure that we, the taxpayers, pay at least £180 (and that’s before anyone’s run up any call costs) in the first year, and at least £60 in each subsequent year.

No consideration for economising, no regard for expense, just bill the fucking taxpayer for Ed’s fucking poxy vanity-fuelled hotline.

Troughing fucking cunt.

And ‘Ed’s hotline’…

I can imagine the staff in his office hearing the phone for his hotline ringing and thinking, ‘Oh shit – it’s that cunt again.’