Gordon’s crystal balls


We now have a new government web site that’s going to save all our sorry asses.

It’s called realhelpnow.gov.uk.

I gather from sources close to Number 10 that the first choice of name was howthefuckcanwegetre-elected?.gov.uk but it was rejected as it had too many letters for the average net user to cope with…

Here’s the preamble to get you in the mood for all the lies, bullshit, condescension, vacillation and false optimism that is to follow:

Many people are asking how we found ourselves in this economic crisis, how we are going to get out of it and what the future is going to hold. I want to explain to people how this crisis, which started in America, has developed – and reassure people that Britain can come out of this stronger and fairer than before.

Talk about passing the buck.

On this evidence the esteemed Gordon Brown could pass a fucking grand piano if he strained hard enough.

It’s nothing to do with us, it was that big boy who ran away!

Some of this crack-induced, delusory rambling is quite entertaining.

Want to know how we got ‘here’ over the last 10 years?

…we are so much more interdependent and connected than ever before. It’s not just something that’s happened in banking – it’s everything from the amount of its income Tesco now gets from its stores in other countries to the kids here who play Xbox with strangers in Korea to the fact people are texting photos from family weddings from their phones to relatives on the other side of the world.

Never mind paedophiles grooming children on the net, happy slap mobile phone videos on YouTube, Nigerian email scams and online bingo…

Want to know how we’re going to get ‘out of here’?

…every investment we make is about building a fairer future. We’re committed to creating a digital Britain, to low carbon technologies, and we’re investing in the creative industries, in advanced technologies and science, in new manufacturing, pharmaceuticals.

We also want to see the renewal of the financial services sector – Britain has been a world leader in financial services, and at the hub of Europe, and as the sector recovers we want Britain to be a leader in its renewal. All of these industries are knowledge-based, talent-based industries, which is why it’s vital we invest in people.

Ah, the very same financial sector that’s done us proud over the last decade?

Want to gaze all dewy-eyed into Gordon’s crystal balls?

For years we have wanted to create a low carbon economy – now we cannot afford not to, so we need to build that economy of tomorrow today. For years we have been pledging to increase development assistance and deliver on the millennium development goals. And now we know our global recovery will not be sustainable unless it benefits the poorest and provides them with the tools to build their way to a more prosperous tomorrow – and to do so today.

This is the great economic bargain of the modern era. In this new age of global dependence, the world will work best only when the world works together.

And if on the road to the G20 the world works together; the global deal that will mark our destination can truly bring sustainable recovery and growth for us all.

Note the bolder text, as on the web site.



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