Far worse than the Daily Mail – no, seriously!

For the first time in many years we’re now debt-free – no mortgage, no loans and we’re not in hock for a penny.

In fact, we have the reverse problem caused by this current economic decline – savings.

As we want fairly instant access to ours we’ve decided to just suck up the pathetic interest rate we’re getting but I have heard that smart people are investing in gold again.

That started me thinking about investing in other elements…

People invest in metals mainly, with platinum and palladium market favourites as well as the obvious gold and silver.

But that started me looking around for more exotic element investment opportunities…

As far as I can discover, the rarest naturally-occurring element is Astatine with only about one ounce (25g) present in the Earth’s crust at any given time. As the most stable isotope has a half-life of only 8.3 hours, this would make it a rather bad investment as after that time you’d only have half of the original amount left. If you could get hold of any in the first place, that is.

What about the nasty shit? You know, the radioactive stuff…

I managed to find a price that’s a bit out of date, but even in 2007 weapons grade plutonium was selling at about $4000 per gram as opposed to gold, which currently sells at about $36 a gram.

That makes it way more expensive than gold so you’d be able to get away with very little of it to look after – but surely more bang for your buck? – which would make it easy to stash away, but you wouldn’t want the stuff on top of your wardrobe in an old shoe box…

Maybe you could keep your plutonium stash in a huge lead-lined coffer at the end of the garden like some sort of mini Chernobyl sarcophagus ornamental feature…which might sort of defeat the point somewhat and draw attention to it.

As would the unique garden lighting you’d get – not to mention all the birds glowing away…and your luminous pet cat…

So, what’s the most common and therefore cheapest element?

Why, that would be hydrogen, which makes up about 75% of our entire galaxy.

Not a good investment, but without it we’d be screwed as all water is made up of a third of it along with the necessary two parts of oxygen.

However, an eminent American had a different theory about the abundance of the elements:

Scientists say hydrogen is the basic building
block of the universe because it is the most
abundant element. I say stupidity is the basic
building block of the universe because it is
more abundant than hydrogen.

This was said by the late Frank Zappa – musician, composer, guitarist and genius – and it appears that he may be right, which does fuck-all for me wondering what element is best to invest in, but sheds some light on a recent story which had me reaching to check what date it was – surely it wasn’t April 1st already?

By the way, PETA – referred to below – is the usual name for the organisation ‘People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals’.

Even by PETA’s standards, its latest campaign against fish is particularly troubling. In the past PETA has drawn much mirth for its “fish empathy” campaigns, and at one point tried to have fish sticks banned. But its latest campaign, dubbed “Save the Sea Kittens”, is beyond satire. The sea kitten site aims to rebrand fish in the eyes of younger consumers. “It’s time for a serious image makeover,” an ad says. “And who could possibly want to put a hook through a sea kitten?”

Sure enough, if you go to PETA’s site here you have a children’s page urging us all to call ‘fish’ ‘sea kittens’ instead.

Now, whichever way you look at it, that’s pretty fucking retarded.

Well, that’s life, I hear some people say – you have to embrace diversity and that’s going to include a certain number of deluded, ignorant and unintelligent people.

But what if I tell you that PETA has 2 000 000 members and supporters?

This is not the time to rant about the violence and terrorism that the organization employs in the name of animal rights, the evil people among its ranks who see no moral dilemma in employing these tactics or their twisting of the term ‘ethical’ to  justify them.

If you want to find out more about the total evil – yes, evil – that they represent then look at this, this and this. It’s entertaining, informative and quite shocking.  Lots of swearing in it, so maybe not in front of the children…

Anyway, back to the sea kittens…

Here’s PETA’s own description of the rationale behind the name:

People don’t seem to like fish. They’re slithery and slimy, and they have eyes on either side of their pointy little heads—which is weird, to say the least. Plus, the small ones nibble at your feet when you’re swimming, and the big ones—well, the big ones will bite your face off if Jaws is anything to go by.

Of course, if you look at it another way, what all this really means is that fish need to fire their PR guy—stat. Whoever was in charge of creating a positive image for fish needs to go right back to working on the Britney Spears account and leave our scaly little friends alone. You’ve done enough damage, buddy. We’ve got it from here. And we’re going to start by retiring the old name for good. When your name can also be used as a verb that means driving a hook through your head, it’s time for a serious image makeover. And who could possibly want to put a hook through a sea kitten?

Where do I fucking start?

I like fish but the moronic cuntjob who wrote this seems to be intent on putting me and anyone else who reads this right off them. They’re an example of the wonderful diversity of life on this planet and whilst they may not look like us with their pointy heads and eyes on either side of their heads, so fucking what? All animals are different to us – that’s why they’re what they are and why we are what we are. They’re also slimy for a very good reason – the mucus provides proetction against parasites and disease, covers wounds to resist infection and makes them swim more easily through the water. Some fish actually secrete toxins in the mucus to guard against predators and some species feed their young on the mucus. It’s wonderful stuff!

Little fish nibbling your toes – I find that quite a harmless and amusing notion – and as for sharks eating your face off (and that’s going to make children sleep more soundly at night for sure) most of us don’t go anywhere near them unless we choose to.

A fish PR guy…for fuck’s sake! That isn’t even worthy of comment, you stupid fucker.

Retiring the old name…and replacing it with sea kittens…

Sea kittens.

Sea kittens?


That is so utterly and motherfuckingly wrong that it beggars belief that anyone with a single brain cell would ever dream it up in a million years.

Where do you fucking stop?

War – pillow fight.

Rape – big squishy cuddles.

Paedophilia – kiddy komforting

That doesn’t work because I’m dressing up evil things with names which attempt to take away the evil but that’s because I can’t think of anything remotely like what PETA have done here. Fish aren’t evil so I’ve got to think of replacing a noun with another term that is also not evil in any way but is totally uninformative and not remotely comparable.

OK…I’ll try again…

Bird – air bunny

Reptile – land cub

Amphibian – water chick

Snake – desert puppy

Demented, isn’t it?

Then there’s the linguistic strangling and twisting that concludes the statement with the name ‘fish’ being used as a verb that means to stick a hook through your head.

Ever heard of a fishing net, you sick fucko?

And what about if I ‘fish’ about in my drawer for a pair of socks?

Am I now going to have to ‘sea kitten’ about for them?

It makes all the PC nonsense we hear about seem mild in comparison – here’s the hated (by me, leastways) Mail having a go at being amusing about PCness.

Right wing, yes – odious, yes – but it all pales into insignificance beside ‘sea kittens’.

This isn’t just messing about with our language, it’s chaining it down on its front, spreading its buttcheeks and then gang raping it up the arse.

And, the worst aspect of all, it’s all aimed at children.

This is nothing but brainwashing of the one of the most vulnerable groups under our protection and places PETA firmly in Cult City – a place to which many believe they are not strangers.

I don’t know how such dangerous elements in our society can be resisted but a 2 000 000 membership figure suggests that it won’t be easy.

I’m convinced that such direct action groups represent a threat far worse than any terrorist organisations.

It’s time the threat posed by them was taken seriously.


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