Leave Sir Fred the fuck alone

Sir Fred Goodwin – or Fred the Shred as he has so wittily been christened by certain sections of the media – has been in the news a lot lately and, quite frankly, it’s pissing me off a bit.

It’s not because he’s managed to trouser a £16 million pension pot with the aid, so it appears, of government approval or, rather, lack of awareness of what they were approving.

It’s not because he was undoubtedly responsible for fucking up one of the nation’s biggest banks.

It’s not even because he’s refused to give any of this rather large wedge back to the RBS or the taxpayer or Gordon Fucking Brown – whoever he’s supposed to give it back to.

No, it’s because everyone seems to have lost all sense of fucking proportion in reacting to his pension deal.

It’s a poxy £16 million, which is chump change compared to the billions upon billions that the government has poured into rescuing the ailing banking system of this country.

Oh, some people might say, but it’s so wrong for him to have so much when others have so little.

Well, the deal is supposedly legal and watertight with government approval so Goodwin’s quite within his rights to go tell anyone asking for any or some of it back to go piss up a rope.

Oh, and has he no shame?

OK, he might, in the view of some, be under some sort of moral obligation to give some or all of it back, but the last time I looked, morals  weren’t legally binding.

Shame tends to evaporate in the harsh glare of a crock of gold worth £16 million…

But there’s something else here – a note of envy and a sense that we’ve all been had.

Well, here’s some fucking news – we’ve all been had for fucking years and if we hadn’t been conned and buggered about by so many people we’d all be a lot better off right fucking now…

How so?

Every day, we are subsidising people as morally bankrupt as Sir Fred – but people who have no legal defence whatsoever for ripping off the majority of the great British public.

Shoplifters – these people (including some shop staff) are responsible for retail ‘shrinkage’ of over £4 billion pounds per annum. That’s £4 billion that retailers make up by marking up prices to minimise the effects on their profits.

We are subsidising shop theft and fraud on a grand scale.

Benefit fraud and errors cost us over £3 billion a year – not all of it due to people sponging off the State illegally admittedly but still an amount of money that dwarfs Goodwin’s pension arrangements.

The cost of policing crime – no crime, no police costs.

I have no readily available figure, but it must run into billions in police wages alone.

So, for years and years we’ve been subsidising the dishonest who have clearly broken laws that have cost us of billions upon billions of our shrinking British pounds to investigate, pursue and bring to trial.

Insurance – insurance companies pay out for cases of theft, but we pay increased premiums to cover this.

Dodgy businessmen who provide substandard products and services – and sometimes no products and services – after being paid by customers and who can then dissolve their business with no legal redress and then open up the same business with a different name and start all over again.

And it’s all perfectly ‘legal’ – with little protection for the consumer by the government.

Add to that the waste and reckless expenditure by incompetent civil servants approved by incompetent ministers – computer systems that don’t work, sales of gold at its lowest price and an unwieldy and inefficient system of implementing the laws and reguilations that should be actually saving us money – and we have a total amount of billions and billions that makes Goodwin’s pension pot look like a quick piss in the ocean.

Claw back Goodwin’s pissant £16 million and where the fuck is that going to go? What’s it going to be used for? It sure isn’t going to be spreading the wealth is it? It works out at about 25p per person.

However, clamp down on public dishonesty and government waste and inefficiency and you’re talking useful sums of money that would benefit people in a significant way and inject real money into the economy.

And what to do with Goodwin?

Just leave the fucker alone – he’s just one of many who’ve managed to prosper at the expense of other people and who’ve fucked up the system they were trusted to run.

I would imagine that he’s pretty much unemployable and he will continue to be a cunt, but a cunt that we could waste precious energy pursuing.

What about the many thousands of shonky, workshy, cheating, robbing, conning cunts that live amongst us?

They’re a far worse threat to our individual prosperity.

Let’s start raking back money from them – or at least stop spending money on them.

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Prison buggery and open source software

So Lord Ahmed is now slopping out and trying to avoid the common incarceration game of ‘hide the salami’ – although as that’s a pork comestible I doubt that will be served up to his Conship somehow…

That’s not a very PC thing to say, I know, but hey – Hazel Blears wants us all to be LESS PC!

Hoorah!

But back to the texting peer.

Lord Ahmed’s solicitor, Steve Smith, said he thought his client had been used as a “scapegoat” by those attempting to drive home the message about not using a mobile phone while at the wheel.

Bollocks.

The stupid fuck shouldn’t have been using a mobile at the wheel.

Just suck it up, twat.

All you really need to worry about is that when you get out of stir you can’t fit your Roller up your arsehole…

What else?

Another plane crash that turned out to have a better outcome than expected and Jack Straw’s email account has been used for Nigerian scamming.

Oh yes, Tom Watson MP, minister for digital engagement (!) says that government departments often pay too much for proprietary software that isn’t always any good – join the fucking club…so the government is backing open source software.

It makes you wonder how it took them so long to realise that a lot of this stuff is better than the usual M$oft crap. Then again, I suspect that there are those who advise them who have a vested interest in recommending a certain piece of software…

Anything else?

Not really.

Whoa!

We can help the failing UK banking sector to the eventual tune of £1.3 trillion but we can’t spare a poxy £30 million to save 6000 jobs with the van manufacturers LDV?

The bankers’ bonuses of £340 million that the taxpayer is now funding at RBS would pay this paltry amount and leave plenty over.

Talk about fucked up…

Gordon’s crystal balls

FFS…

We now have a new government web site that’s going to save all our sorry asses.

It’s called realhelpnow.gov.uk.

I gather from sources close to Number 10 that the first choice of name was howthefuckcanwegetre-elected?.gov.uk but it was rejected as it had too many letters for the average net user to cope with…

Here’s the preamble to get you in the mood for all the lies, bullshit, condescension, vacillation and false optimism that is to follow:

Many people are asking how we found ourselves in this economic crisis, how we are going to get out of it and what the future is going to hold. I want to explain to people how this crisis, which started in America, has developed – and reassure people that Britain can come out of this stronger and fairer than before.

Talk about passing the buck.

On this evidence the esteemed Gordon Brown could pass a fucking grand piano if he strained hard enough.

It’s nothing to do with us, it was that big boy who ran away!

Some of this crack-induced, delusory rambling is quite entertaining.

Want to know how we got ‘here’ over the last 10 years?

…we are so much more interdependent and connected than ever before. It’s not just something that’s happened in banking – it’s everything from the amount of its income Tesco now gets from its stores in other countries to the kids here who play Xbox with strangers in Korea to the fact people are texting photos from family weddings from their phones to relatives on the other side of the world.

Never mind paedophiles grooming children on the net, happy slap mobile phone videos on YouTube, Nigerian email scams and online bingo…

Want to know how we’re going to get ‘out of here’?

…every investment we make is about building a fairer future. We’re committed to creating a digital Britain, to low carbon technologies, and we’re investing in the creative industries, in advanced technologies and science, in new manufacturing, pharmaceuticals.

We also want to see the renewal of the financial services sector – Britain has been a world leader in financial services, and at the hub of Europe, and as the sector recovers we want Britain to be a leader in its renewal. All of these industries are knowledge-based, talent-based industries, which is why it’s vital we invest in people.

Ah, the very same financial sector that’s done us proud over the last decade?

Want to gaze all dewy-eyed into Gordon’s crystal balls?

For years we have wanted to create a low carbon economy – now we cannot afford not to, so we need to build that economy of tomorrow today. For years we have been pledging to increase development assistance and deliver on the millennium development goals. And now we know our global recovery will not be sustainable unless it benefits the poorest and provides them with the tools to build their way to a more prosperous tomorrow – and to do so today.

This is the great economic bargain of the modern era. In this new age of global dependence, the world will work best only when the world works together.

And if on the road to the G20 the world works together; the global deal that will mark our destination can truly bring sustainable recovery and growth for us all.

Note the bolder text, as on the web site.

Bargain?

FFS…

Ignorant parents

Just when you thought you’d come across most aspects and examples of ignorance something like this comes along…

Essentially, there seems to be a rather loose campaign amongst some parents to get a one-armed TV presenter off our screens because they claim she’s scaring their children.

I can only assume by such intolerant, pathetic and offensive attitudes on display that we’re dealing with cunts here.

Yes, cunts.

No other term will do, although if there was anything stronger I’d use it in this case.

I used to teach a kid who had no arms and had his hands growing out of his shoulders.

It was a very rough school, but none of the other kids turned a hair and no parent ever complained that he was scaring their children.

I’m all for children growing up to accept that other people are different in many ways – different appearances, attitudes, abilities, etc – and that only seems achievable if they’re exposed to such differences gradually as they encounter them.

I’m not saying that an agenda should be set to give them these experiences or that it should all be dispensed within a PC framework, just that we shouldn’t shelter our children from these differences.

One father said he would ban his daughter from watching the channel because he thought it would “give her nightmares”.

How stupid is that?

From age zero we expose our children to all manner of nightmare-inducing concepts.

Three Blind Mice?

Rodent maiming knife crime.

Little Red Riding Hood?

Wolf devours senior citizen then has amateur vivisection performed on it.

Not to mention the many dragons, witches, monsters and other characters from stories and songs that have entertained children for centuries…

So, once in a while children might get exposed to a bit of reality for a change.

It’s called life.

Some won’t see any difference in what’s real to fiction, some won’t notice it anyway, some will ask questions – and then it’s up to parents to give straight answers where possible and in a manner sensitive to both the child and the subject – and some may be scared, but then it’s down to the parents again, this time to allay those fears.

It’s all part of the ‘contract’ you ‘sign’ when you have a child and if you try and avoid having to deal with the difficult aspects of parenthood like explaining what they may find difficult to understand then you’ve really fucked up.

In fact, you’ve shown yourself to be emotionally and intellectually disabled and your child will probably grow up to be the same.

If you’re one of these complaining parents and you’re reading this:

Fuck you.

Tory bullshit

It may be naïve of me, but I assumed that with a General Election not too far away the Tories might wheel out a few ideas that would set them apart from Labour.

This story would suggest otherwise.

Tories may ‘ground’ troublemakers

Young troublemakers could be confined to their homes, outside school hours, for a month under plans being unveiled by the Conservatives.

In his first major speech as shadow home secretary, Chris Grayling said those who break curfews “should expect to find themselves in the cells”.

He said tough action was needed to stamp out anti-social behaviour and said 10-year-olds caught causing trouble should be “sent home to bed”.

Should the Conservatives win power at the next general election, he said: “I will instruct our police to remove young troublemakers from our streets altogether, not just move them on to disrupt a different street.”

Those caught doing “something stupid” should be able to be taken back to police stations and their parents called to come to pick them up.

“We’re exploring the best way of making this possible but it’s got to be the right thing in some cases,” he said.

Yes, there is a problem with our youth’s behaviour but this ‘solution’ just sounds like yet another worthless and doomed attempt to tackle a complex matter using simplistic and ill-conceived methods.

It’s a bit like the now-abandoned idea put forward a few years ago of marching drunk and disorderly troublemakers to the nearest ATM and imposing an on-the-spot fine.

It sounded tough, it was never thoroughly thought through and it turned out to be as effective as taking an aspirin to treat a brain tumour.

I’m convinced that the solution to the antisocial behaviour that blights the lives of many lies somewhere in parental education and actually giving our youth somewhere to go and something to do when they get there.

We’re talking long term and costly here – neither of which are notable traits of government action – but in my view the only strategy that will ensure a successful outcome.

Once again, such pronouncements as Mr Grayling’s are all just a bunch of words that try and con us into thinking that there’s a real will to solve problems when, all along, it’s hastily considered nonsense, done on the cheap, that sounds good but will never work…

…and they know it won’t work…

…even politicians aren’t that stupid.

They just bank on the fact that most of the electorate will just suck up more of the same empty gestures that pass for solutions these days.

In brief – just more bullshit.

More shit you couldn’t make up

Yes everything, including common sense, goes straight out the fucking window…

It’s not often that you read a story in the news that has it all – drama, slapstick, police forensic prodedures, terrorist attacks, Parliament, bathos, pathos, Aramis, d’Ar-fucking-tagnan – or that touches on the zeitgeist so readily – terror, paranoia, insecurity, health anxieties, delusion, folly – but  this one has it ALL.

Yes, that’s right:

Police hospitalised over HP sauce

Police officers rushed to hospital after a suspicious substance was thrown through a car window were released when it was identified as HP sauce.

The Metropolitan Police said officers responded to reports of an “unusual smell” coming from a car with a smashed window in Enfield, north London.

This raises several points.

Surely, when most people encounter a mystery brown substance they think it’s possibly, well…shit.

Having had children and various pets you get attuned to thinking that way.

You can’t help it.

Even now if one of the cats has something mysterious and brown on its coat I check it out.

In order to identify any suspicious brown substance  I prioritise the five senses that I possess.

First, sight.

OK, it’s brown but it doesn’t look easily identifiable.

A whole turd…well, no question about it.

But just a vague brown smudge or smear…well, that needs closer investigation…

So, then I use smell.

This is usually the clincher.

I’ve learned over the years what shit smells like and that if something smells like shit then it’s probably shit.

To my certain knowledge I’ve never gone on to use the three other senses I possess to identify shit.

Hearing is obviously a non-runner – except when it’s being produced, shit is totally silent.

(If you hear shit buzzing, that’s just flies.)

Touch is one that you sometimes can’t avoid – but it’s always accidental.

And taste…well, that’s a definite no-no.

I’d like to think that the police involved in this case did the same thing, and that having eliminated shit from their list of  dubious brown substances they moved on to consider what else it might be.

So, sight…

Brown, but that’s all.

Smell…

Hmmm…

Now, HP Sauce has a unique and historic recipe using many ingredients:

  • Water
  • Vinegar
  • Dates
  • Glucose-Fructose
  • Black Strap Molasses
  • Tomato Paste
  • Modified Cornstarch
  • Salt
  • Orange Juice Concentrate
  • Onion
  • Spices
  • Tamarind Extract
  • Apple Juice Concentrate
  • Garlic
  • Chili Peppers
  • Mustard Flour

And what does ‘HP’ stand for?

Bizarrely, yet somehow satisfyingly. for ‘Houses of Parliament’…

Personally, I hate the stuff but I do know what it smells like and ingredient numero two (the greatest ingredient after water) is the big clue.

Vinegar.

Now, that has a very distinctive smell.

Which leads us to a question that might well crack this case wide open.

If someone put HP Sauce over your car’s interior would you be able to smell vinegar?

I’d say so.

So, back to Plod, who’s looking at the car’s interior and seeing brown stuff which has zero odeur de merde.

He smells it and he smells vinegar.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’d stop right there before I rushed off to hospital thinking that I was the victim of some evil joke, mailicious prank or some terrorist chemical attack.

Maybe I’m being unfair and the police’s reaction was just the result of being very cautious – but based on what supposition?

If it was a strange white powder may be you’d think it could be a terrorist Anthrax attack – but brown spooge?

The worst thing it could be (the way most people would react to it) would be shit and, in my experience, shit is harmless when seen and smelled although, admittedly, rather unpleasant.

The enigmatic substance had ‘an unusual smell’.

I’d question that and suggest that you’d probably find HP Sauce in every police station canteen up and down the country thus familiarising every policeman with its distinctive aroma.

Has brown stuff ever been used to attack people?

Should we be on our guard against something which looks like shit?

Most terrorists like shit which blows shit up – not shit which smells of vinegar.

I daresay that there have been practical jokes using real shit, but then you’d know it was shit by the smell.

Anyway, to conclude this rambling, the long and short of it is that the police have come out of all this with egg on their faces.

Maybe they’d like some brown sauce to go with it…