Dragonflies, swallows and kir petillant

And still France continues to share its wild life secrets… A few hours ago, we were sitting outside – taking a smoke and drinks break before yet another stage of the fucking interminable process of putting together an Ikea Hemnes wardrobe – when Mrs Shark exclaimed that she’d just seen the biggest hornet ever. Closer [...]

How I spent the royal wedding day…

In the end, although it was a toss-up between becoming a heroin addict and finding and stalking a nun (dead easy here because there’s a shitload of them working at the Maison de Retraite in a nearby town) I decided to do something really radical and finish off treating the floors upstairs. I was using [...]

9 things to do instead of watching the royal wedding

(in no particular order) Gargle with stoat semen Stick your dick in a hot panini press Count the bananas in your local supermarket Find a nun and stalk her for the day Pull out every hair on your left forearm Learn to play the piano accordion badly Take your computer apart and put it back [...]

The overpaid, overeducated shitheads of the decade are…

  …the Reverend Professor Andrew Linzey,  Director of the Oxford Centre for Animal Ethics, and   Professor Priscilla Cohn, Emeritus Professor of Philosophy at Penn State University and Associate Director of the Centre Words fucking fail me.

Everyone’s a Winner

Oh dear… David Cameron’s ‘Calm down, dear’ at Prime Minister’s Question Time yesterday has provoked a bit of a row: Echoing a TV ad catchphrase made semi-famous by the has-been twat respected film director, Michael Winner, Call Me Dave incurred the wrath of Westminster feministas, not least that of the butt of his attempt at [...]

Bored on Mars

Sometimes, for sheer entertainment value, you really can’t beat ‘The One Show’ on BBC1. Usually, it’s a pile of old shite but occasionally it reaches heights of absurdity – albeit unintentionally. Tonight’s show was a fucking cracker with actor John Simm as the main guest. I quite like Simm. ‘Life on Mars’ was an enjoyable [...]

Could Belgium show us the way?

I recently praised Belgium and the Belgians here and now Dick Puddlecoat who recently visited the country has written about it on his blog.     It seems that Belgium is trying hard to be one of the last bastions against the anti-smoking fascists, which is praiseworthy enough, but I’ve found another good reason why [...]

Fuzz boxes and benefit fraud

As the mighty Ian Hunter (more of him in the future) stated in Mott the Hoople’s hit ‘All the Way From Memphis’: Now it’s a mighty long way down rock ‘n’ roll Through the Bradford Cities and the Oreoles And you look like a star but you’re still on the dole How true and, as [...]

Fifth hand tobacco smoke

Yes, it’s that time of year when the clothes that saw you through the past winter get cleaned – if necessary – and then put away until they’re needed again. So…away go the jumpers – better keep a couple out just in case of unseasonal cold snaps – and the overcoats and out come the [...]

Bollocks, Belgium, beer and more smoking bollocks

I have a theory. It’s complete bollocks, of course, but it’s based on personal experience and a light dusting of anecdotal evidence. It goes like this: Once you cross the channel from Dover to Calais, the people get madder the further north you go. I told you it was bollocks. But here’s the personal experience [...]